Pride Awards 2010
by Mickey Weems
Shame-WOW! Pride Now! Awards
I’m starting a new tradition.
Henceforth, I will be giving Pride Awards every June for a variety of categories, determined by whatever strikes my fancy. In addition, there will be Shame-WOW! (as in “WOW! You are such an ASS!”) Awards given to those whose atrocious behavior towards our community crosses from insult to comedy. Since our community so relishes a good read, let’s start with Shame.
Shame-WOW! Awards
The Non-Gay Award goes out to Reverend George Rekers, who spent 10 blissful days in Europe with Lucien, a hot number he picked up on rentboy.com. Keep in mind that Rekers is not now, never has been, and never will be Gay. Rekers has made serious green as an advocate against LGBTQ people on issues such as marriage and adoption. And it’s a good thing old George is not Gay, despite receiving nekked massages from Lucien and Lord knows what else (Rekers claims he was preaching Lucien the Gospel, no doubt with a special emphasis on Peter), George adopted a 16-year-old boy who is now Lucien’s age!
George “Rentboy” Rekers joins the ranks of other famous Non-Gay men such as Larry “Wide Stance” Craig, Tom “I Like To” Cruise, Aaron “Confirmed Bachelor” Schock, Al “Call Me” Green, and Eric “Snorkling” Massa, as well as, Non-Lesbians like Elena “Switch-Hitter” Kagan, Virginia “Bigger Dick Than You” Foxx, and Lindsey “Grandma” Graham.
The Bitter Queen Award goes to Josef Ratzinger, whose drag name is Benedict (which means “Good Penis” in Italian) XVI. We have yet to confirm if the “16” refers to length, girth, or preferred number of rentboys coming over to the Papal quarters in Swiss Guard drag so he can preach the Gospel to them.
The Clusterfuck Award goes to the Teabaggers, a name given to the group by Fox News until they discovered that teabagging is a popular pastime for sacksuckers. Besides being racist, paranoid, and corporate puppets, they are also homophobic, as attested in a presentation by Teabaggus Ron Kirkland who, when asked about Gays in the military, said, “I can tell you if there were any homosexuals in that group, they were taken care of in ways I can’t describe to you.”
It is obvious that Kirkland is just another Non-Gay faggot like Rekers. No sane person would admit to committing violence against somebody due to sexual orientation, especially since it is now a federally recognized hate crime. The only logical conclusion is that “they were taken care of in ways I can’t describe to you” means Kirkland forced homosexuals to shove their cocks up his ass.
And speaking of Teabaggers, The Shame-WOW! Unbelievable Clown Award goes to Rand Paul, nemesis of racism who stands up for the rights of racists. But what does Rand’s cognitive dissonance have to do with homophobia?
Simple! Paul said he believes private businesses should be able to discriminate against whomever they choose because of free speech. When called out for his rather remarkable nod to free-market Jim Crow, he retorted, What if a business did not want people bringing guns into its establishment?
My answer is this: the gun-toters can leave their guns at home. It’s not so easy for those of us who are African American to leave our Black at home, or for those of us who are Gay to leave our Fabulousness at home. Rand Paul, you were not named after Ayn Rand, but rather the better part of you that Rand-down your father’s leg when your parents were busy conceiving you, baby. Even Rachel Maddow couldn’t save you from firmly teabagging your foot in your mouth.
Pride Now Awards: We Are Family
Time to quit being catty and give awards to the big dogs of our community.
Ancestral Gay Homeland Award goes to Canada. No matter where we are, we can go to Canada and be treated with respect. You want to see the LGBTQ family in force? Go to Church Street in Toronto or Rue Ste.-Catherine in Montreal.
All the bullcrap in the USA about hiding hate speech behind freedom of speech does not apply in Canada. Hate speech of any kind is against the law, period. And Canadian lack of sympathy for such vileness led to a rude awakening for occasionally-witty-but-always-nasty Ann Coulter when she brought her sideshow to our Northern Neighbor (oops! Neighbour).
Tranny Fierce Award goes to the Chennai and Mumbai Trans communities. They have held the first (December 2009) and second (April 2010) national Miss India pageant for transwomen, and these girls were sizzling. Too often, transwomen are thrown out of their families in the billion-person South Asian powerhouse, so they form families of their own simply to survive. Now the communities are able to take the next step: unadulterated glamour. Way to go, girls!
Make It Work Award, of course, goes to Tim Gunn, the patron saint of pure class. We’ve seen him carry himself with solid integrity, a guardian angel to all who go through the grueling competition of Project Runway. Coupled with the Angel of Death, Heidi “Auf Wiedersehen” Klum, the two of them make the show the delight that it is. But what makes it especially poignant for me is the way Gunn sometimes gets misty-eyed when he listens to Gay contestants in their homes talk about what they have to overcome as they grew up. Love you, doll. Call me.
At the risk of being a brown-noser, the Sports Award goes to Michael Daniels for his interview with Jim Tressel in the March issue of Outlook. Apparently, others agree with me, such as The Advocate, that this article is a game-changer. Credit for opening up dialogue concerning LGBTQ people and big-time college team sports has to go to Tressel as well as Daniels. At personal risk for his career and possibly his own safety, Coach Tressel consented to speak with Daniels about the possibility of Gay athletes in The Ohio State University’s football program. A total class act, Tressel said the following: “One, we are a family. If you haven’t learned from your family at home that people have differences and those strengthen the whole, then you are hopefully going to learn it as part of the Ohio State football family.”
I asked Daniels if receiving the award in the publication he runs would be nepotism, he said, “It’s not nepotistic if I’m receiving it.” So there.
The Best Item of the Year goes to Glee. It is Gay-friendly and much more, pretty much standing up for all the downtrodden, while simultaneously being totally un-PC as the character Sue Sylvester channels Anne Coulter (if Coulter were consistently funny). If you’ve not seen it, you should. Despite the Auto-Tuned voices and schmaltzy plots, it is the best thing to happen to LGBTQ rights, especially for our Queer youth.
The Pride Award for Best Person of the Year goes to Jane Lynch, the actress who plays Sue Sylvester. Overkill with the Glee praise, you might ask? Well, yeah.
Katie Couric recently interviewed out-and-proud Lynch. Jane is smart, funny, and humble. At one point, she turned the tables on Katie, getting Ms. Couric to talk about her own career. Jane also had praises for Ellen DeGeneres. “I think Ellen coming out was huge and groundbreaking, and [things] kind of shifted,” she said. “There are some people who will never shift, and that’s OK.” Then a little bit of Sue Sylvester peaked out: “They’ll probably be dead soon.”
Jane Lynch is a goddess.
