Oh, But To Be A Bearer Of The Light
by Paul D. Saltz
My entire extended family knows that I’m gay. While many will see this as a blessing, I must confess that if that is so, it is mixed at best. My parents, siblings, and cousins have all been incredibly supportive. Even my uncle, who at times can be fairly heterosexist and chauvinistic, immediately stopped making jokes about AIDS once he found out. As great as that is, I find I can’t relish in all that goodness because there is still a wall that stands between my grandparents and me.
Growing up I faced a continuous barrage of comments from my grandparents ranging from: I’ll be disinherited if I grew up to be a fairy, to how “special” and “creative” I was. These did not even begin to cover the indirect comments of slander toward the LGBT community (including their own neighbors). I thus decided (with the rest of the family’s consent) that they would be kept in the dark. Unfortunately, an ex of mine had other ideas. Unbeknown to me, my ex, knowing my grandparents didn’t know, hacked into my email and sent them an email as me, not only telling them that I was gay, but that I was an excessive voyeur, and a host of other fallacies concerning my character. Needless to say, I was not prepared for the unexpected phone call from my grandmother, leading to the most torturous and draining forty-five minutes of my life wherein they told me that though they loved me because I was their eldest grandson, they wanted to know absolutely nothing about “that part” of my life. Ever since, visits, particularly during the holidays, have been rather difficult.
When we think of the holidays what comes to mind? Generally speaking we think of the ability to celebrate and share of ourselves with those we love and who love us back. We do not think of the need to hide or otherwise mask various parts of our lives in order to be considered acceptable by everyone present. Yet that is precisely what many of us are required to resort to when we go home for the holidays. I am sure that there are many who will share my sentiment that it is rather disheartening and downright depressing sitting at the dinner table seeing cousins and siblings being able to sit next to their spouses and boyfriends, all the while knowing that as long as various family members are not yet six feet under, you are required to show up alone. Then to add insult to injury, when certain family members make disparaging remarks, entirely forgetting that those remarks are unconsciously being directed towards someone sitting not four feet away from them, you are required to just sit there and bear it for the purpose of keeping the peace. What is a gay or lesbian to do?
I know this may sound a bit cliché but there is hope to be found in the most disparaging of situations. It has been several years since my grandparents found out, and while the odd comment or euphemism still escapes unseemly lips from time to time, the frequency has dramatically decreased. Surprisingly my grandfather will actually make small comments or ask questions when the two of us are alone; such as: “why do people have to know, why can’t you just keep it secret?” Or: “Don’t they want kids to carry their legacy? They can’t procreate.” While I know these are rhetorical and he doesn’t expect me to answer (and I don’t), the fact that he is thinking about it and letting me know he is, is a huge step!
I do not believe that it is a coincidence that the holidays we celebrate this time of year (Chanukah, Christmas, Kwanza, Yule) are all celebrations of light. Ritually and spiritually we begin with a spark or single flame, that grows to illuminate our rooms and hearts. With each thoughtful comment or question from my grandfather, or loving comment from my grandmother, a crack grows in the wall that separates us. This crack is just big enough to let a little shred of light through. In time, it will be enough to illuminate their mind and worldview.
Last Christmas, after months of hinting and pleading, I finally convinced my grandparents to come to my church for both a concert and Christmas Eve service. While this may not seem like anything, I attend an open and affirming congregation and my grandparents had never been in a church where openly gay couples where holding hands, etc. I know it took them by surprise, particularly after I pointed out our Director of Music and his husband. With much of their objections being church-based, I know that seeing LGBT people within a new context laid some seeds within their minds and just maybe let a little light in.
While I realize that not everyone may feel comfortable bringing their extended family to their house of worship (if you have one), everyone has the capacity to do something. We can all be bearers of light to our families this holiday season through worship, conversation, and even by simply being out and present. While it is unreasonable to think that one holiday meal can entirely change a person’s outlook, it is possible to lay the foundation for a continuing conversation.
I realize that this can take a considerable amount of courage. It’s courage I didn’t think I had till that phone call. Yet if we look deep within ourselves we will find that even in the darkest of times, there is a spark that resides within us. We simply need to bring it out and permit it to light our path. However, if things in your life appear to be so dark that it is absolutely impossible to find your divine spark, know that there are those of us who are more than willing to shed a little light for you this blessed holiday season. Bear Hugs and Happy Holidays!
