In an ecosystem that is moving towards a major breakdown, we should all be as green as Kermit the Frog.

But it’s not easy being green. Be that as it may, I want to do my part in reducing pollutants and lessen the need for fossil fuels. I also want to be lean, to get in better shape while going from Point A to Point B, and I want look good while I’m doing it. Yes, I want it all.

You Can Do It – It’s Electric

Initially, I considered a moped. I discovered a better option during a trip to Miami in March when I saw tourists using electric bikes. No need for gasoline, no direct pollution. And the riders looked totally hip. They also looked like they were having fun.

I returned to Columbus and began researching electric bikes. Not only are they available on the market just about everywhere, there are also collapsible or folding bikes that, in a few seconds, can be stored just about anywhere. A folding bike can easily fit in a car trunk or back seat. One model in particular, the EcoBike Vatavio, caught my interest. There are 3 modes for riding the Vatavio: pedal power, electric motor or a combination of both.

Problem is, the best place to get a Vatavio is New York City, not C-bus. According to Google authorities, there were none in Cow Town. But there are other brands that make a folding electric bike. I decided to go on a pilgrimage to bike shops around town – there might be an electric folding bike tucked away somewhere. Not everything for sale is revealed on the ‘net.

 Let’s Roll

The quest began in Upper Arlington at a trendy-looking place called Roll (1510 W Lane Ave, roll-online.com). The store has an attractive exterior and engaging staff, although they could have used more workers when we visited the shop that evening. Point man Nick Carey was juggling multiple tasks while fielding my questions.

A recent conversation with Roll manager Chris Sharp confirmed my first impression: Roll is a great place to bike-shop. Chris told me about something I didn’t even know existed anywhere: an infrared body-scanning device that helps buyers determine what kind of bike they need for their physique.

The prices at Roll are reasonable. The store has a collapsible bike – Strida brand, made in America, very cool, with a carbon fiber-reinforced belt instead of bicycle chain, available in silver and black, and fashion-forward in design. Roll also has an electric bike with a more traditional look. But it did not have an electric folding bike.

Para-Para-Paradise Garage

We moved on to other stores. Paradise Garage on High Street (921 N High, paradisegarage.com) was another place with great service and a beautiful layout. The name of the store is a nod to a legendary bar in Manhattan, one of the places where the Gay community was shaping electronic dance music and DJ culture in the 1980s. Nice touch for the Short North, the Castro District of the Buckeye state.

I spoke with Emily Burnett about Dahon bikes, a major brand carried by Paradise Garage, and learned that Dahon makes a folding electric bike. But there was none at Paradise. Burnett’s business partner, Dan Monnig, said there was not enough demand. “We always keep a couple of collapsible bikes during warm weather,” he said, “but there isn’t a big enough client base yet for electric and collapsible.” Dan assured me they could get one in five business days.

I was downhearted. Five business days is forever in the hyper-fast days of Facebook. That’s the problem with wanting it all: you can’t always get what you want.

But if you try sometimes, you just might find that you get what you need.

You Say You Want a Revolution

There was another place on High Street for me to try: Revolution Cycles (1189 N High, revolcycles.com), and a quick phone call gave me optimism. There was one issue, however: they were in the middle of moving to a new shop a couple doors down. The manager, Jared Cavalier, agreed to let me take a look as long as I didn’t mind the chaos.

He and his associate Brandon Warndcke were cheerful when we got there, despite the challenge of negotiating what seemed to be hundreds of bicycles that were awaiting a new home once the new space was ready. Lo and behold, they had what may be the only EcoBike Vatavio in all of the USA! Kevin fell in love with a Strida collapsible complete with two satchels, so we made a dual purchase.

“We were in the process of moving to a new space two doors north that offered us four times the space and architectural advantage,” Cavalier said. “It has hardwood floors and a tin ceiling, reminiscent of an old-style shop where you receive personal attention.” Interesting comment, I thought, about an old-fashioned shop with recent-tech innovations like LED bicycle lights and carbon frames.

 What’s in a Name?

Although we made our purchases at Revolution, I would have been just as happily bought our bikes at Paradise Garage or Roll. All three have great names (I love a clever moniker) and staff. I found that all three were customer-friendly, Gay-friendly and provided me with great shopping experiences. Check them out – they’ll  get you going green without taking you for a ride.

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by Mickey Weems

Kaleo Tevaitea Ramos is a handsome, loving and outspoken Hawaiian kane (man). He carries himself with an inner assurance that comes from facing life head-on. Nothing in his bearing reveals the trials through which he has passed, other than that magnetic assurance.

The principle of kuleana (responsibility) is a good way to understand the life of Kaleo Ramos. He is a teacher, father and activist dedicated to doing what’s right for his beloved ‘ohana (family). But life has taught Kaleo that his family, his community and his identity may shift in unexpected ways.

Kuleana, Part I: ‘Ohana (parents and kinfolk)

Born biologically female in 1977 in Kane’ohe, O’ahu, Kaleo tried his best to be a good daughter, but every step towards maturity was agonizing for him. He describes the anguish so many transpeople feel when they are very young:

“When I think about my earliest memory of being different, I think of being in kindergarten on many instances when I naturally walked into the boy’s restroom instead of the girls until I realized just as I entered, I was in the wrong restroom. My mother would always comment no matter where we go, ‘Make sure you go into the right restroom,’ and I hated that. I would enjoy rough play with my classmates and took pride in my ability to run faster and jump higher than any boy in my class. I remember only wanting to wear a certain underwear that resembled boy’s briefs. They were gender neutral and felt comfortable to wear until the company stopped making them and I was forced to wear “true” girl underwear. Upsetting to me as it was, I would wear the girl underwear backwards so the cartoon would be on the backside like boy’s underwear, instead of the front.”

When his body began changing with puberty, life became, literally, a nightmare from which he could not awaken:

“One night, starting at about nine years old, I would lay in bed and prayed to God as I did every night to change me into a boy while I slept so that in the morning when I woke I would be in the correct body and no one would know the difference. I would never utter my prayers or wishes to be a boy out loud fearing someone would hear me and I would have to face humiliation. So these prayers and wishes were silent. Looking back, I think I never mentioned those words mainly because I was fearful of admitting it to myself. As each day came to an end and night approached I wished on every first star, picked up every penny as I walked across the surface of the earth, looked under bridges and caves for genie lamps hoping for three wishes, chased rainbows to find the pot of gold and every other thing that might give me hope for what I really wanted.”

Unfortunately, the only other solution was simply to endure the suffering until death came:

“One evening as I lay in my bed, I started to count the years until it would be about the right time to die… 10 years, 20 years, 30 years… At nine years old, 30 years would only make me 39, not old enough to die, but old enough to live my life in this body. Then I thought about reincarnation and how if I die tonight I would ask God to allow me to come back as a boy. I didn’t even care if I came back as an ugly boy or a poor one; I just wanted to live my life as a boy. So I took my pillow and covered my face until I couldn’t breathe anymore. I couldn’t take it and I pulled the pillow away from my face as I gasped for air. I quickly became scared. I didn’t want to hurt my family and was scared to die. I’m not too sure what was going to be worse, what I was about to endure for the next 20 years or death.”

Kuleana, Part II: ‘Ohana (husband and child)

His sense of kuleana to his family led him to choose life and embrace femininity, get a boyfriend and eventually a husband. From their union came the light of Kaleo’s life, their son Justice-John, their Little Prince. Even then, “I hated the fact that in order to have a child I had to go through such a feminine event,” he said.

But eventually Keleo could not longer avoid the kuleana that he owed to Kaleo.

“One day I finally confided in a friend who advised me of what I should do. The choice I made was devastating to my marriage and our young family, but as we shared, we both agreed there was more I needed to explore in my life. Till this day I love my ex for trying his best to understand and for keeping our friendship as it is today. We make things work for our son. We both agreed that while I go through my transition he would have custody of our son because we both felt a consistent life is best for him especially throughout his early years. Custody will later change when the Little Prince reaches 7^th grade; he will come to live with me… No matter what, we always try to work in the best interest of our son.”

Kuleana, Part III: ‘Ohana (Hawaiian and LGBT communities)

In 2006, Kaleo began transitioning from female to male (FTM). To some people, this may appear a selfish act. But when he knew the alternative could lead to the early grave he sought as a child, transitioning must be seen as part of a greater kuleana, to be truthful with those we love, including ourselves.

And true to form, Kaleo’s liberation from his female body brought with it his acceptance of new responsibilities, kuleana for others who were living their own personal nightmares:

“Over the next few years I researched endlessly about transition and the “how tos” of transitioning correctly and during those years I’ve changed into the person I wanted to be. I committed myself to self-injection of hormones, got some surgeries and carried myself as a proper man with good etiquette and great hygiene. I take pride in this new vehicle I now drive in this new life. I always tell myself, ‘Why put my body through so much, mentally and physically pain, only to live my life as trashy?’ I like to look at myself as a pioneer for FTM in Hawai’i. At the time of my transition, there was no one who knew enough about FTMs in the state to help me make it happen, so I had to take it upon myself to make sure I did enough research so I would most definitely be the resource for others like myself.”

Kaleo did nonprofit work for the Kanaka Maoli (Native Hawaiian people) as a Straight woman for years, so it was natural for him to also help the LGBT community as a Gay man. A showman at heart, he raises money for AIDS organizations, including the Gregory House in Honolulu for people with AIDS (www.gregoryhouse.org). He was also Emperor in the Imperial Court of Hawai’i, a position with its own kuleana to help the helpless among us.

He resists assigning any one identity to himself other than being a man:

“I understand that I was not born a biological male because my sex organs and development of my body was different from what my brain feels, but organs never really defined the person I really am. Organs just described the F that was replaced with an M on my birth record. Transman, Mahukane [‘transman’ within the Hawaiian cultural context], all of the above if a person must categorize, but all in its own I am just ‘me.’ I identify as Male.

I just never understood why I would have to be an ‘in between,’ a transperson. I live my life as a man. The only time I come out as a transman or Mahukane is when I step into my outreach shoes to educate the public about transgenders or educate transgenders so they better understand themselves.”

Kaleo put into words the kaona, the deeper meaning of kuleana: it is our duty to take on different forms of ourselves to best help others, even as we remain true to ourselves.

See videos of Kaleo Ramos: www.youtube.com/watch?v=lyl35gsJOF4, and www.youtube.com/watch?v=CN5C3uhTk0Y.

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Mickey Weems

It’s easy to forget about nasty things.

Just look at American politics. Climate change, overpopulation, pollution; all three are huge threats to humanity, and all three are getting progressively worse. One party pretends they don’t exist, while the other one has proven grossly negligent when power was in its hands.

We have evidence stretching back a billion years to see what will inevitably happen. The fossil record tells us that the history of life on Earth has had periods of massive die-offs, when untold numbers of species disappeared and the sum total of complex living organisms decreased dramatically. One culprit is consistently visible: drastic climate change.

Five hundred or so years of scientific awareness and urban planning give us evidence of other factors at work. As a population increases, waste matter increases. For humans, our excrement is toxic to us in the long run because lethal diseases are transmitted through it. This is why we have toilets.

Human excrement is but one type of negative byproduct our species produces. We are surrounded by industry waste and our own garbage. We breathe, eat and pile up more every year. Many of us, however, have not made the connection between industrial waste and our own shit. One political party refuses to put sustainability on the table. The other party has tabled discussion of sustainability until further notice.

Thus, it is inevitable that we will experience more sickness, be it from pathogens or industrial poisons.

AIDS, SARS and antibiotic-resistant strep are just warm-ups for what’s on the horizon.

Rapture as Fact, AIDS as Fiction

But it’s difficult to bring the reality check to our fellow Americans. A significant minority does not believe the world is more than 5,000 years old. An even bigger number believes that the world will end any day now, and that all the warning signs, such as industrial disasters, extreme weather and even AIDS, point towards the Rapture. Prayer is the answer (along with guns), not the need for sensible resource management, population control, zero-waste recycling and renewable energy.

Look closely at homophobic, anti-choice, anti-climate-change and anti-Occupy rhetoric. They all go hand in hand with an underlying hum of fear, whispers of hysteria sitting just beneath the surface, made stronger by a sneaky sense of uncertainty that comes with helplessness and soothed only by a well-stocked arsenal next to the big-screen TV.

Just a few weeks ago, NPR interviewed a woman who was startled by a gas line explosion near her house. Her initial reaction: It’s the End Times. That was her first thought. I wonder if she realized the scarier truth: our infrastructure is falling apart.

At least with the Rapture, some of us will float away. With guns, we can shoot our enemies. As it stands with rupturing gas lines, massive oil spills, giga-tons of coal sludge and much-needed trillions of dollars siphoned off by unregulated Wall Street gambling, there is no one to shoot, and none of us gets out unscathed, not even the one percent.

The End-Times-God-Versus-Satan rallying cry gets its power by convincing people that their group will be exempt from what is Second-Coming. It is an ethical stance as old as homo sapiens: My tribe over all others. Even if the shouting is clothed in Christian verse of love and mercy, the tone of it is a war chant, anger to the point of frenzy, in perfect sync with the ecstasy of a tent revival.

The Four Horsemen

Where is the Gay tribe in this? Simple: we aren’t. We don’t count because we are the living embodiment of birth control and rational discourse. We don’t wave automatic weapons around during our Pride parades. We do not procreate irresponsibly and, like birth control, we get in God’s way, so God gave us AIDS. Environmentalists are almost as bad as Gays. Preaching sustainability is to foresee a long-term future for humankind, which goes against the notion of the Last Days. In Biblical terms, Gays, tree-huggers, women’s reproductive choice advocates and Occupy-Wall-Streeters are the Four Horsemen of the Anti-Apocalypse. We are the lemmings that don’t join the herd rushing madly over the edge of a cliff in the name of Team Freedom. The issues we address are therefore ignored.

But things were not always that way. Conservative silence concerning AIDS is a radical change from just a few years ago. George H.W. Bush, Sr. quit the National Rifle Association when it started bashing cops. George W. Bush, made AIDS funding a visible priority, and he recognized it was not just a homosexual problem. We can disagree with his methods (funding only those groups that pushed abstinence, for example), but not his message.

George didn’t support AIDS funding to please his Conservative base. I think he did it as a compromise with Progressives, but “compromise” became a dirty word with the rise of the Tea Party. We are witnessing a throwback to the golden-shower-trickle-down days of Ronnie Reagan: AIDS=Gay, Gay=homosexual, homosexuality (like AIDS) is a disease/sin/crime. Any support of AIDS or Gays is on par with recognizing climate change (hoax), women’s reproductive rights (murder) or advocating environmental/economic sustainability (huh?). It is political suicide.

Just ask John Huntsman.

Come to (Progressive) Jesus

All is not lost. Many Progressives fail to see that most Conservative homophobic anti-science bigots are also compassionate Christians who do their best to be a force for good in this world. If we want to access the better angels of their nature, it’s just a matter of speaking their language.

We must first realize that AIDS, Gays, climate change, reproductive rights and ecological sustainability are jumbled up into a big incoherent mess inside their heads. We advance the cause of the LGBT community and AIDS funding when we advocate for the other 3 Horsemen. Here are some suggestions:

Climate change: Forget the fossil record and focus on the immediate problem at hand. “God made a beautiful world for us that has functioned beautifully for 5000 years, but we will ruin it in the next 50 years if we don’t change our ways.”

If hard-core Creationists really piss you off, let them know that the whole dinosaurs-in-the-Garden-of-Eden thing makes them look bad in the eyes of other Christians: “Roman Catholics laugh at you.”

Women’s reproductive rights: Forget the complete lack of proof concerning the Virgin Birth. “Jesus was a planned pregnancy. Mary gave her consent first, and she did it without consulting Joseph.”

Sustainability: “Not one sparrow falls to the ground without God noticing it. God also knows if the sparrow fell because it died from pollution.” Tie that into climate change. The big lie coming from anti-environmental Conservatives is that human activity is not significant enough to affect the environment. Remind them that God pays attention to everything we do to His Creation.

Gays and AIDS: This one is tricky since the Bible condemns same-sex sex, and God uses plagues to punish sinners. A sure winner is Mother Teresa, the nearest thing to Jesus in our lifetime: “She took care of anyone who was sick, and made it a point to minister to people with AIDS without judging them or condemning them.” Also, don’t be afraid to pimp out George Jr., or to point out AIDS funding actually began under Saint Ronnie, his silence on the subject before 1987 notwithstanding.

Finally, bring up the giant red ribbon that Obama had put up in front of the White House on World AIDS Day last December. If you are really feeling sassy, add, “Wasn’t that the most Christian thing our president could do to celebrate the Christmas spirit?”

I bet they never heard THAT on Fox News.

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by Mickey Weems

I know reasonable conservatives exist in the LGBT community, but I cannot find them, perhaps because irrational ones who hate Obama drown them out, 5 to 1.

Not just dislike Obama. Not just disagree with Obama. Hate. Loathe. Wish him dead. See absolutely no value in the man, his administration, his presidency.

I’d love an honest discussion whether Obama has done enough, whether his actions are good for the country or good for his chances for re-election, whether his relationship with big banks is appropriate, or if his strategies are sound to begin with. What cannot be left out in this debate, however, is this fact: Obama’s Congressional opponents in the Republican Party have consistently blocked any progress that bears the stamp of the Obama Administration, just so the nation would be worse off and decrease his chances of re-election. They then blame him for their knavery.

That is the strategy of treason.

I’m done with giving the benefit of the doubt to haters willing to sink their own country. Dislike of the man does not excuse unreasonable spite, neither is it permissible to sabotage the common good. Tell me otherwise, and I will be the most intolerant person in the world.

The Ugly Truth of Self-Hatred

Obama haters in the LGBT community are worse than their Straight counterparts. They betray their own kind as well as their nation.

I recently got into a dreadful conversation with a woman who assumed that I hate Occupy Wall Street, possibly because I was like her: White, Gay and middle-aged. When I told her I supported OWS as the only real hope for our democracy that I’ve seen in years, she asked if I voted for Obama. My affirmative answer set her off.

I refuted claim after claim of talking points. When it came to LGBT rights, she was absolutely unwilling to concede that Obama has stood up for us in any way, neither would she acknowledge that his opponents have used his support for LGBT rights as a reason to hate him even more. It was clear to me that she was willing to sell out her own people. And unfortunately, I told her so.

Other similarly disastrous conversations have been with Gay men who hate our President. They are willing to declare common cause with openly homophobic politicians, and then claim that the Gay community persecutes them.

I let them talk long enough, and the root cause of their martyrdom appeared in scary rainbow highlights: these men were deathly afraid of appearing too queer. One was upset because people might think he was a Democrat and a limp-wristed fairy. When I called him out on his Obama-hate and adoration of Fox News, he told me to go back to “raves and X.” I took this as a sure sign he did not dance, which infuriated him. He then recommended I put on a dress, carry a sign decorated with a feather boa and occupy somebody’s front yard. Zing!

In his mind, any Gay male supporter of our President (repeat after me: our President) is a limp-wristed fairy in a feather boa and a dress, a favorite stereotype of Straight homophobes and apparently his own personal nightmare. Rather than actually address the issues, he projected his own unresolved internalized homophobia onto me.

My response to him: I will duly report his words in this article. And for the record, I would proudly wear a dress and wave a boa-trimmed sign in support of the Transpeople people he so despises.

In some ways I feel sorry for the poor guy. But the only way I know to shake him out of his identity crisis is refusal to tolerate his hatred of the President, our community or himself.

Phony Patriotism and Staying Civil (for the most part)

The Republican candidate for president running against Obama will most likely be proudly homophobic, vowing to defend marriage from us, reinstitute the military ban and reverse the awesome international initiatives against homophobia that Clinton announced in the name of the Obama Administration. Romney, Bachmann, Gingrich and Perry have made it crystal clear they would pander to hatred of us, hand-in-hand with hatred of Obama.

In the Land of the Free, it doesn’t get more un-American than that.  It’s even worse when the homobamaphobe is wearing a flag pin.

The original name of this article was, “Hate My President? Fuck You, Traitor.” It felt good as a working title, and it actually struck me as funny since it parodied the style of right-wing hate radio. But eventually the shock value wore off. I also reminded myself that I have relatives who are dear to me that have been bitten by the Fox. If I wouldn’t say, “Fuck You, Traitor” to my own kinfolk, then it’s inappropriate for me to use it with family.

But the words would flow easily off my tongue in a heated one-on-one exchange with Romney, Bachmann, Gingrich or Perry. They know damn well what they are doing.

Fucking traitors.

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by Mickey Weems

Like almost every other Republican presidential candidate with a chance of winning their party’s nomination, Herman Cain is nein-nein-nein when it comes to homosexuality. “I think it’s a sin because of my Biblical beliefs,” he said, “and, although people don’t agree with me, I happen to think that it is a personal choice.”

Cain loves the Bible so much; he goes down on his knees and assumes a faith-based sexual position. He looks the LGBT community straight in the crotch, tells us that homosexuality is a choice, and Gay people’s choice is to sin.

I do mean he looks us in the crotch because that’s the only part of us that interests him. He refuses to engage us face-to-face. When Cain thinks “Gay,” he thinks sex organs and sex acts, not people. Puts a whole new spin on “basket case,” doesn’t it?

For Cain, it is our fault if we are not Straight, just like it’s our fault if we are not rich or do not have a job. It therefore stands to reason that Gay people deserve whatever beatings we get by homophobes (Cain says “No!” to hate crime legislation), LGBT kids deserve to be harassed (“No!” to protecting our youth), and if electrical shocks to our genitals can Fry Away The Gay (“Yes!” to dangerous ex-gay reparative therapy), so be it.

Herman “Am I My Brother’s Keeper?” Cain is so full of Santorum, it is a wonder he does not turn white and frothy.

For his part, Rick Santorum accused Saturday Night Live of bullying him during a skit that mocked his homophobia. Rick is proof that bigotry can turn you into a Grade A Asshole, as if the anguish caused him by SNL is anything as serious as a queer kid driven to suicide. Neither Cain nor Santorum has spoken out against human rights abuses such as daily torture of young people who endure bullies (the real kind), ex-gay torture therapy or torture used by the US military and the CIA.

But don’t Gay men sometimes engage in torture for their sexual kicks? Is there any real difference between Leathersex, torture USA style and ex-gay aversion therapies?

Torture and BDSM

Let’s look at torture as a means of pleasure.

The Leather community incorporates sado-masochistic techniques of pain into its homoerotic folklife. Some Leathermen practice extreme forms of S&M, such as crucifixion and physical assault as well as humiliation, in their repertoire.

The point of pain/humiliation-oriented Leathersex is pleasure for everyone involved. Although a man may play the role of victim in countless scenarios, including rape and torture, the goal is to enact a fantasy, as dark as that fantasy might be, in order to release its erotic potential. Nobody is forced to join in, and participants may opt out at any time. That is why the Leather community’s flag includes a red heart (suggesting compassion) and a white stripe (purity of intention) among the black and blue horizontal stripes.

Sado-masochism in the Leather community may outwardly resemble torture used in ex-gay ministries and enhanced interrogation techniques for prisoners of war. But of the three, only Leathersex is ethical.

The definition of torture was altered after 9/11 by the Bush Administration. It was repackaged as enhanced interrogation techniques as part of the War On Terror. Similar techniques are found in reparative therapy for Fundamentalist Christian ministries to homosexuals.

From the viewpoint of the Leathersex community, enhanced interrogation techniques and reparative therapy are immoral. They are, in fact, perversions of healthy sado-masochistic expression between consenting adults.

The Pleasure Principle: Shoot Zee Cum in Zee Face

The Leather community is based on the right of a person to experience sexual pleasure in a variety of ways, including terror scenarios.

This is why playrooms for Leathersex are called “dungeons,” calling to mind medieval torture chambers. Dungeon scenarios can be as mild as a student being spanked by a teacher, or an altar boy disciplined by a priest. As such, these fantasies may be cathartic for the person playing the victim who may have actually been a victim in real life, a psychodrama that acts as a pressure-release valve. Or it could just be fun, like acting in a horror movie or participating in a zombie walk.

Dungeon scenarios may be downright sinister, such as prison rape or crime scenes. Or Gitmo or Abu Ghraib, taking cues from American military torture of suspected insurgents. Or even ex-gay therapy.

One never knows which direction kink may travel. Here are some possibilities:

I remember watching a cheesy Straight porn in the 1980s. The evil Nazi torturer ordered the heroic well-hung American POW to fuck a beautiful American spy. “Shoot zee cum in zee face!” exclaimed the villain, which became a catch phrase for my friends and me for months to come (sorry). It would be easy for Leathermen to substitute the Nazi with a member of Al Qaida: “By Allah, shoot zee infidel cum in zee unbeliever’s face!” Or an ex-gay minister fondling his client’s dick as he places electrodes on it: “By the power of JEEEEE-sus, expel the demon-seed!”

But there is no coercion. Nobody is going to Hell, nobody is desperate to change in order to prevent further bullying or involuntary incarceration in a secret prison. The privacy of the Leatherman’s dungeon can be a healing space where painful issues can be encountered face-to-face and allowed orgasmic release. I suspect that ex-gay reparative therapy may perversely fulfill the same function of sexual release, but without the cleansing honesty of Leathersex.

Background: Enhanced Interrogation Techniques

So what are enhanced interrogation techniques, and what is wrong with them?

“Enhanced interrogation technique” refers to torture that leaves no visible mark on the victim. After the attacks on 9/11, key figures in the Bush Administration wanted vengeance against terrorists, but were forbidden by laws against torture to make them pay. So they said that it’s not torture if permanent damage is not caused to the victim’s body. This is the same definition used by the Russians during the Cold War. The administration then looked to Communist Russia for techniques that leave no physical scars. Extreme heat, cold, sleep deprivation, noise, electric shocks and painful body positions used in KGB interrogation were adopted by the CIA and the US military. Also included was waterboarding, a technique of controlled drowning that goes back to the late Middle Ages.

Here’s the hypocrisy: after World War II, Imperial Japanese soldiers were executed for waterboarding American military personnel.

Enhanced interrogation enthusiasts call waterboarding “simulated drowning.” I guess those who died from water inhalation while being waterboarded were only experiencing “simulated death” before they went to the next world.

The second argument for torture is that torture is okay during wartime. The third is that it works.

Since the end of the Bush Administration, our government has wisely made torture illegal, wartime or not. And the claim that torture produces credible results has been disproved yet again by testimony of those who did the interrogations. The only thing torture can guarantee is getting the victim to say whatever you want them to say, facts be damned. Or death. Either way, truth is not a byproduct.

A fourth argument is that we use harsh interrogating techniques when we train our own troops. Indeed, mild forms of torture are administered as part of POW training. The rationale is to prepare military personnel for the possibility. In this case, the severity of those techniques is dramatically lessened, and the training becomes more of a test of courage rather than the real thing, especially since the trainees know their suffering is minimized and temporary, and humiliation is nowhere near as bad. To compare POW training to enhanced interrogation techniques is like comparing a boxing match to a gun battle between gangs.

The end of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell may, in fact, end the military practice of torturing suspects and recruits. Many Gay people have been coerced into undergoing torture to hypothetically save their souls, and our Leatherfolk create fantasies about torture in their dungeons. Our familiarity with torture means we have no illusions about its purpose, and we will not stand for it as Standard Operating Procedure, either in our military training or against our enemies.

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Mickey Weems

What would you do to save your eternal soul?

That is an issue faced every day by LGBT young people of faith whose denominations tell them that homosexuality is a choice, gender identity is biologically determined, biological sex must be either male or female and bucking the norm means God will send them to Hell.

But saving one’s eternal soul is most likely not the only decision that they have to make:

What would you do to earn your parents’ love?

If the parents are devout homophobes, love of a homophobic God may trump love of their own offspring. But that is not all:

What would you do to keep Dad from beating you to a pulp?

This last one is a dilemma faced by sons who are not masculine enough for their fathers. Although every story I’ve heard of such violence is man-on-boy, I do not believe it is limited to either sons or fathers.

If you are already living in a world of pain, it is logical that you might accept further pain to make it all stop. This includes torture in the form of aversion therapy, which is a crucial part of reparative therapy, treatment designed to repair the broken homosexual.

• If It Walks Like a Duck

Aversion therapies convert sexual perverts into normal people. These therapies are designed for two things: stop a certain behavior through pain, and encourage a different behavior when pain stops.

Aversion therapy is premised on the belief that our minds can be changed through negative conditioning. For example, a young girl really likes chocolate ice cream, but she eats a bad batch and gets food poisoning. From that day on, she might associate the taste of chocolate ice cream with getting sick, so she never eats it again.

A simplistic model of the human mind sees all of our desires and habits just like chocolate ice cream. All we need to modify unwanted behavior is associate it with something bad. Such was therapy for Samuel Brinton to cure him of his homosexual tendencies (you can hear Samuel’s testimony at www.imfromdriftwood.com).

At the age of 12, he was told he had AIDS and the government was killing all queer children. He was also locked in his room when not in therapy to keep the government from getting him, at least that’s what he believed. But his parents told his sister a different story: he had murdered somebody and they were hiding him from the police.

All this was the easy part. Samuel was forced to hold blocks of ice in his hands while being shown pictures of men holding hands. Treatment moved on to burning his hands with copper coils, and finally electrical shocks sent into his fingertips through tiny needles stuck in them while watching man-on-man porn. The pain would stop when pictures of heterosexual couples were shown.

Why would he put up with the abusive therapy? Because his parents assured him that God hated him unless he changed. Because his mother made it very clear that she could not love him if he were homosexual. His father was more hands-on. Counseling the “devil child” consisted of physically attacking him, as well as, putting a gun to his head.

Samuel is the son of Baptist missionaries, but abuse is not limited to Baptists. The story is repeated in many other Fundamentalist Christian denominations as well as Scientology. Some of the most striking testimonies come from Mormons, and in some cases, right on the campus of Brigham Young University with aversion therapy administered to young people, mostly young men, in secret. Treatment includes electrodes attached to the penis so that shocks go directly to the problem. In the interest of scientific observation, a ring is placed around the penis to measure any increase of girth.

It’s not just the pain. It’s the embarrassment of another person watching your dick to see if you get hard. Similar treatments have been created for women where electrodes are attached to the vagina.

Evergreen International (www.evergreeninternational.org), a Mormon organization for the rehabilitation of homosexuals, claims it can help people diminish SSA (same-sex attraction) and overcome homosexual behavior. For a mere $14, you can order a CD that will teach you how to switch teams. This organization has been accused of using shock therapy as part of their treatment. To this day, Evergreen International continues to defend the use of reparative therapy.

The result of such abuse can convince the patient to implement a mini-Final Solution and kill themselves. As one ex-reparative therapy Mormon who had been through Evergreen International said, “They are ridding the world of homosexuality one suicidal homosexual at a time.”

Sounds familiar, maybe a bit like Abu Graib? The similarity between torturing Iraqis and reparative therapy for homosexuals is not simply the use of coercive pain and sexual humiliation. Torture guarantees that the victim will say anything you want them to say. Truth, either in sincere confession or in actually changing one’s orientation from homosexual to heterosexual, is not part of the equation.

But money is. Such treatments do not come cheap.

• Pitcherskaia vs. the INS

It has already been determined in a court of law that, if administered against a person’s will, aggressive methods designed to change homo to hetero constitute torture.

In 1996, Alla Konstantinova Pitcherskaia sought asylum in the USA. She was subjected to arrest, imprisonment and involuntary psychiatric treatment for being a Lesbian who was politically active for LGBT rights in her native Russia. The Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS) recommended she be sent back to Russia. Their reasoning: it was not torture because Russian authorities were only trying to help her overcome what they saw was a defect.

When Alla’s case came before the US Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit, judgment was rendered in her favor. Judge Betty Fletcher authored the court’s opinion: “Human rights laws cannot be sidestepped simply by couching torture in benevolent terms such as ‘curing’ or ‘treating’ the victim.” Judge Fletcher was referring specifically to aversion therapy, including electric shocks, to change Alla’s sexual orientation.

• But They Asked for It

Proponents of ex-gay aversion therapy say that it cannot be torture, even in cases where a child is forced to go through it, because the parents are thinking of the best interests of their offspring.

Bullshit.

If done to adults, aversion therapy is OK because they ask for it.

Once again, bullshit.

Pitcherskaia vs. INS gives us legal grounds to challenge these things and call them what they are: torture, mental and physical, that undermines the health of LGBT people.

Such treatments are unethical for the following reasons:

1. There is no evidence that such methods actually work.
2. Reparative therapists do not inform their patients of other therapies to make them happy with their orientation that have a proven track record of success.
3. Those that administer reparative therapies make good money doing so.
4. Those who pay the money are therefore being swindled, and the notion that they willingly consent is false because what they consent to is not what is actually offered.
5. Reparative therapies designed to produce ex-gays constitute physical and mental torture, and are therefore illegal in US and international courts of law.

Do we need to bring this to the United Nations? I’m game.

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Dr Jekyll and Hyde Park

It’s been a Columbus tradition since 2008.

Every Friday, a group of LGBT businesspeople get together at Hyde Park Prime Steakhouse at 569 North High Street in the Short North for happy hour. The staff is friendly, the crowd jovial; it’s just the thing after a long week.

There is even a Facebook page. “Friday Night at Hyde Park on the Cap” (www.facebook.com/groups/FridayNightatHydeParkontheCap/) is where fans of the Friday happy hour can catch up on what’s happening that week. Each event is graced with a picture representing the theme, be it holiday, sports or pro-LGBT issues. Usually that picture is of a hot, shirtless guy.

But the calm seas of conviviality grew stormy on August 3, 2011, when one person asked if Hyde Park was doing anything significant for the Gay community other than providing a kick-ass happy hour. No conclusive evidence, one way or the other, settled the matter.

The result of what appeared to be an innocent question about Hyde Park’s support for the Queer community turned into an edgy discussion with two opposing sides. In one corner, some people wondered whether Hyde Park was a suitable place to go if it were not openly supportive of the community. The other side questioned whether anyone should care, as long as the establishment fulfilled its primary functions as a Gay-friendly and inexpensive place for cocktails.

I spoke with people in the Columbus Queer community about the controversy. Anonymity was guaranteed since some of them are friends with Terry Penrod, who promotes the Friday night gathering on Facebook, and Edward Feighan, the one who started the shit storm on the same site. The following is a synopsis of responses, pro and con.

The Doctor Jekylls and Mr. Hydes

Let’s start with the supporters of Friday Night at Hyde Park:

• There is nothing to Hyde Park’s Friday get-together that needs explaining. This is a non-issue and a waste of time.

• Hyde Park is a great place to have some drinks and relax. The staff knows who we are and gives us good service. You’d best believe we don’t go in there in closet mode! If the owners and management were Gay-haters, they’d have let us know a long time ago. They are, in fact, just the opposite. Manufactured drama and “gotcha” questions against them are a slap in the face of an establishment that has been our Friday hangout for years.

• It’s good to support our community, but not to the point where we become so paranoid that we can’t even unwind in a friendly establishment without seeing homophobes lurking in every corner.

• How many of us question whether Gay-friendly people own our local grocery store or movie theater? We should be able to take businesses at face value until there is evidence to the contrary. Let’s assume a business is innocent until proven guilty.

• Although we support Gay-owned businesses, sometimes we like to go to places that are Straight-owned, and that’s OK. It gets old just going to the same places all the time, and it’s also kind of arrogant if we insist our Straight friends meet us only in Gay bars, restaurants, etc. Besides, it’s not like we spend a fortune on a Friday happy hour.

• By putting Hyde Park in the crosshairs for no reason, the management might regret being so pleasant to us, as might other businesses. They may decide we’re not worth the hassle if their motives and good name are questioned at every turn.

• Leave Hyde Park alone. If you don’t want to go there on Friday nights, then don’t. We do not need anyone telling us where we can or cannot party.

Now, the critics:

• The question about Hyde Park’s commitment to our community is not a “gotcha” question, and has nothing to do with whether it is Straight-owned. We would make the same inquiries of Gay-owned businesses.

• Here’s why. We have already discovered far too many supposedly Gay-friendly businesses that contribute to anti-Gay politicians behind our backs. It would be one thing if Hyde Park had a clear record of taking our side and not just taking our dollars. Refusal to publicly declare support could be a sign of something more serious.

• The whole thing could have been easily put to rest if management confirmed support of LGBT causes such as marriage equality, or offered financial support for organizations such as Stonewall, PFLAG, HRC, you name it. But no such evidence was presented in the Facebook discussion (last checked: August 16).

• Although the Friday happy hour is not a political function, its weekly themes are sometimes LGBT issues, and the event was promoted by a man who had a high position in HRC. Our leaders do not have the luxury of forgetting who they represent when they are in the public eye, even during their time off, especially if they frame the event as an LGBT function in Gay male aesthetic terms (as in hot, shirtless guys)

• So far as the itty-bitty amount of money Gay people spend during Friday happy hour, let’s not be naïve – our community drops significant cash in Hyde Park. The Facebook page is free advertising. Friday cocktails lead to dinner, dinners lead to future dinners, and dinners at Hyde Park are not cheap.

• HRC encourages us to support companies that give back. Shouldn’t this apply to local businesses? We have every right to investigate, and we deserve an honest answer.

The Bigger Picture

For all I know, the issue of Hyde Park could be settled by the time this article is published. Nevertheless, there is still the larger question: where do we draw the line when it comes to what businesses we should support?

Both sides in the Hyde Park debate make good points. But I’m a cynic by nature, so I am concerned when a business is mum about its stance on Gay issues. I’ve seen it too many times: ManHunt and Target who acted like they support us to our faces and did the opposite behind our backs, while Gap and Wal-Mart (well, most of the time) made it a point to be on the side of the angels.

Speaking of Wal-Mart, what if a business supports us but is abysmal in other areas, such as women’s rights in the workplace? Or British Petroleum, which is uber-supportive but dumped millions of gallons of oil into the Gulf of Mexico?

But ManHunt, Target, Gap, Wal-Mart and BP are multinationals. We have more incentive to act locally where one person can make a difference, as did Edward Feighan. Columbus has been blessed with a strong, vibrant Gay community in the Short North because we support LGBT businesses and expect that Straight-owned establishments show us love, both for us as customers and for the larger community. This is crucial in those neighborhoods where we have a strong presence.

Some Straight-owned businesses go above and beyond in proving themselves our allies. Case in point: PM Gallery in the Short North (www.pmgallery.com). Besides being run by two of the nicest hippies I’ve ever met, the owners of PM Gallery are wonderfully LGBT-affirming, and they have been that way for years. I delight in going there to make purchases from their fine collection of glass and ceramic art.

But honestly, I would stop going there if they were suspiciously mum and I thought they were simply being polite to my face. When it comes to the Short North, there should be no fence sitting in our own homegrown C-bus Gayborhood.

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by Mickey Weems

There is no community so famously aesthetic as the LGBT community. Our superpowers in this area, however, do not protect us from hatred. Some of those who use our services discriminate against us, not only in artistic fields but in other areas as well. Oh, the contradictions when they do.

When Straight people get married, they put their trust in wedding planners to ensure a successful event. Where to start…

Wedding planners are assumed to be Gay if they are male and talented and sensitive. Right or wrong, Straight people assume non-Gay male wedding planners are worthless and tacky (except Lesbian planners who may be given a Gay pass by default). Is this not proof of a clear disconnect in the psyche of homophobic Americans concerning Gay marriage? “You guys did such at great job with Sheri and Brett’s wedding! Amazing that you know so much about beautifying this sacred ritual, since God hates you and despises the idea of you ever getting hitched!”

It’s like the Nazi Party hiring a Jewish lawyer. Or the KKK bringing in a Black gospel choir to sing “Dixie” at the next cross burning. Or Rush Limbaugh hiring Elton John to sing at his wedding. Or rumors of Texas Governor Rick Perry, Gay-hating in public while man-loving in private. I guess it’s all good, just as long as gun-toting Rick doesn’t marry the man he sucks.

Let’s not even get into the same love-hate relationship with florists, hairdressers and clothes designers; and while we’re at it, interior designers, choreographers and dancers.

Talk of choreographers and dancers bring to mind actors of stage and screen. It’s a given that Broadway is GGGay. But what about movies? Although there are plenty of LGBT actors in Hollywood, Straight people have to play most of the Gay roles. That’s because there are very few homosexual actors who can afford to be openly Gay for fear of being irreversibly typecast, so we get lots of homosexuals pretending to be exclusively heterosexual, while heterosexuals play the role of homosexuals, as well as, heterosexuals.

Who is homo in Hollywood? The answer is obvious: any supposedly Straight actor who refuses to play Gay. We’re on to you, Mel Gibson. You’d best hire a good Jewish lawyer. Or join Scientology.

Speaking of performers, sports stadiums across the country play “YMCA” by the Village People during games, and fans all get up to do the Y-M-C-A dance with their arms. Keep in mind that back in the day, the Village People were as macho-queer as Colton Ford, so one would assume that Straight sports fans who sing and dance “YMCA” must be the most Gay-tolerant people on Earth. Yet homosexuality is a no-no for male athletes in football, baseball, basketball and hockey. Which is understandable because men’s team sports have nothing in common with The Gays.

Well, in all sports except for football, with its tight ends, wide receivers and ass-patting. And baseball, which has pitchers, catchers and lots of crotch adjusting. And basketball, where men bounce their balls between their legs and shoot baskets in the faces of the opposing team. Hockey is the least faggy, and for good reason. Uniforms are shapeless and show almost no skin, smiles show fewer teeth and skating techniques don’t include fabulous Arabesques and axel jumps by athletes who are also aesthetes, like synchronized swimmers. Nevertheless, the term “Zamboni” sounds pretty queer to me.

Any pretext of phobia against Lesbians in sports is a total sham. Everyone assumes that female athletes are queer unless proven otherwise, exactly the reverse of how male athletes are seen, except for wrestlers in their singlets (come on, admit it) and axel jumpers on skates.

But the madness does not stop with artists and athletes. Gays should not be in the military (once again, this refers only to Gay men since everyone knows that all the women in the military are dykes, just like women’s sports). But there are militant Gays like Daniel Choi who are trying to force themselves into the Armed Forces.

Why should Gay men not be in the US Armed Forces? Well, fags are too gentle and have no fighting spirit. Besides, no Straight men want to shower with them because Gay men might get aggressive when staring at the vulnerable, helpless, naked Straight-man body.

Oh, the paradox! Daniel Choi is Gay, therefore he does not have enough fighting spirit to be a real soldier. At the same time, he is too militant for the military. On top of that, Straight men (famous worldwide for their fighting spirit) are too sensitive and delicate and vulnerable to serve with potentially aggressive Gay men. Fear of being overpowered by fairies at the drop of the soap would cause unbearable anguish for the poor guys.

Last Word: My Beloved Corps

The branch of the Armed Forces that has officially expressed the most reluctance to allowing Gays to serve is the Marine Corps, which is not only the toughest of the lot, but also have the most aesthetically beautiful uniforms. Its leader, Commandant General James Amos, has been steadfast in trying to keep us out, until now.

There is only one Commandant in the Corps, a four-star general above all other generals and the highest rank in the USMC. Likewise there is only one Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps, the highest enlisted rank. In many ways, the Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps equals and even surpasses the prestige of the Commandant in the hearts of the Jarhead Tribe.

Sgt. Maj. Barrett, a man of only 30 years of age, was recently chosen by the Commandant to hold that rank. According to The Wall Street Journal, Barrett did the following while visiting troops in South Korea: he quoted from the Constitution. “It says, ‘Raise an army.’ It says absolutely nothing about race, color, creed, sexual orientation.” Asking his fellow Marines if they joined the Corps to protect our nation, he added, “How dare we, then, exclude a group of people who want to do the same thing you do right now, something that is honorable and noble?”

“Get over it,” he concluded. “Let’s just move on, treat everybody with firmness, fairness, dignity, compassion and respect. Let’s be Marines.”

Oooo-rah!

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During the nineteenth century CE, a magnificent spiritual being and holy symbol of universal humanity was officially turned into a monster by science.

Fear of all things not heteronormative led doctors to describe what they thought were sexual deformities in human body-minds. Although scientific in form, the language was influenced by Medieval Christian thinking that could not accept transsexual, transgender identities or intersex bodies, even if God made a baby that way. “Hermaphrodite” (taken from Hermaphroditus, the Greek deity who embodies the characteristics of woman and man, and came to represent the grotesque, the forbidden, back-room fetish or carnival freak, rendering of not only intersex people, but any transperson) sometimes extended to include biologically – typical women who had the guts to stand up for themselves, or to men who behaved with motherly kindness.

Let me make this perfectly, spiritually clear: the greatest monsters in human history have typically been unbalanced men who deemed women inferior and weak, men who also saw any femininity within themselves as repulsive and who were especially horrified by those brave enough to cross from one sex-gender to the other. Or even worse, lived as both.

The following article presents a few of the Blessed Beings that bestow us with a unified and balanced version of our potential.

Hermaphroditus

Let’s begin with the Sacred One for whom this article was named. Hermaphroditus is the child of Aphrodite, the Goddess of Love and Hermes, the swift God of Communication and Healing. Love, plus communication and healing: the perfect representation of humanity at our best. Hermaphroditus is represented as intersex, having biological characteristics of female and male.

However, one myth from Roman times says Hermaphroditus was originally male, but was transformed when bathing in a pool that was home to a minor goddess who fell in love with him, and she clung so tightly to him that they fused together. It is more plausible that Hermaphroditus was understood to have been born intersex, representing the best of his Divine Parents.

Hermaphroditus guards the sanctity of marriage, protects brides, blesses weddings and makes them strong. Along with brothers Priapus, God of Erections, and Eros, God of Sexual Desire, the three siblings are the most powerful forces guaranteeing the continuation of human life from generation to generation.

Ardhanarishvara

In Hinduism, the Cosmos is seen as the result of Lila, or divine play, best expressed when the God principle becomes two and the two make love.

One example of this is Shakti and Shiva. Shakti has several manifestations: the good wife Parvati, the fierce protectress Durga, and the wild demoness Kali, all representing power in its most gentle, beautiful and terrible forms. The consort of Shakti is Shiva, the Distracted Holy One, who loves solitude in the mountains and occasionally gets lost in his own transcendence. Only a woman of great will can bring him back to this world.

And she does so by bringing forth the might of his greatest form: his lingam or erect penis. Sexual unions between Shakti and Shiva have been so monumental that the Universe around them warp and shift with their passion. In one example, they had sex in a forest. Shiva sought to fill Shakti with uncontrollable desire, so he turned himself into a woman to pleasure her; all of life around them became female as they made love.

But the most epic session of hot passion happened when Shakti discovered Shiva had been consorting with the Goddess of the Ganges River. Shakti flew into a rage. As Shiva sought to calm her and tenderly assure her that she had nothing to fear, his caresses went from soothing to XXX-rated. They went at it so hard that they melded into one Being, Ardhanarishvara.

The Shakti-Shiva union symbolizes the unified Cosmos. In Addition, Ardhinarishvara represents hospitality, parenthood, and true love between man and wife.

Lan Caihe

In Chinese folklore there are Eight Immortals – powerful beings who renounced the world and gained tremendous power to help those in need. Among the Eight Immortals is Lan Caihe, a youthful figure who appears to be neither male nor female.

Lan Caihe loves flowers and carries a basketful of them. A contrary being, Lan sports only one shoe, wears thin clothing in winter and bundles up in summer. Like the other Immortals, Lan loves wine.

Lan enjoys making people dance. The basket of Lan Caihe contains not only flowers, but also herbs and medicines for a longer and healthier life. Lan is especially kind to the desperately poor and carelessly leaves money around for beggars to gather. This sacred young‘un ascended to Heaven on a crane while listening to music in a bar.

Oxumare

The Deity of the Rainbow Snake, Oxumare goes from female to male and back again, sometimes having the physical attributes of both. This Holy One originated with the Fons people of West Africa as the all-powerful Danbala, and was adopted into the Yoruba-based pantheon of African-Brazilian Candomblé.

Oxumare represents transformation. When appearing in ceremonies through mediums, Oxumare dances with skill next to none. Necklaces associated with the Holy One are often rainbow sequences of beads. The rise of LGBT awareness in Brazil has made Oxumare one of the most beloved patron saints for its Gay community.

Hatshepsut

Trans identity in history may also be based on political necessity. In the case of Hatshepsut, a woman became a God-King.

Hatshepsut (1508 -1458 BCE) had the highest rank available to a woman in ancient Egypt: Great Royal Wife. But, she had something her husband and half-brother did not have. It was she who carried the royal blood of her grandfather, who died without a son, so he appointed his favorite general to rule after him.

But neither the general nor the general’s son had a drop of royal blood, which is why the son married his half-sister, Hatshepsut. When the son died, Hatshepsut declared herself Pharaoh, the God-King of Egypt. Hatshepsut dressed as a man, had images made of herself as a man, and promoted the story of her miraculous birth as a boy-child of divine lineage. The reason? A woman could not be pharaoh.

Hatshepsut was an exceptionally fine ruler. In order to maintain Cosmic balance through the rituals a pharaoh was expected to do with his consort, she appointed her own daughter as her Great Royal Wife, thus giving us an early example of a same-sex marriage.

So…

We would do well to honor the balance of human behaviors that Hermaphroditus and other trans-intersex Holy Ones represent. Our survival as a species depends on it. Insist on full rights and protections under the law for Trans and Intersex communities.

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In a year filled with natural disasters and human-generated catastrophes, the Gay community is steadily making progress. Here is a list of the fails and wins for us, our adversaries, and the American people.

Fails

The end of the world came and went for Reverend Harold Camping (gotta love the last name!) and his conned-gregation: No Rapture on May 21. On the one hand, it was a financial win for Camping, a man who amassed millions of dollars from the gullible. That wealth will still be available to him even though the world did not end, unless he blew all in a mad tipping streak at the local titty bar on May 20.

On the other hand, there is the ridicule (and unfortunately the poverty) that his followers must face on the day after wishing the rest of us would be engulfed in unspeakable suffering while they floated away on Spaceship Jesus. It is just another nail in the coffin for fanatical Christian ignorance, including the virulent homophobia that infects so many of our churches. Westboro Baptist was not created ex nihilo.

Scott Walker, the Wisconsin governor who has dedicated his heart and soul to dismantling workers’ rights, met serious resistance to his policies as he seeks to make the rich richer. So he took a page out of the Karl Rove playbook of dirty politics and attacked The Gays. Walker wants to deny us hospital visitation rights. If anything proves that the man is nothing but leftover santorum (thank you, Dan Savage!) on cheap motel sheets, this is it. Mark him as a total fail in terms of responsible leadership.

Speaking of politicians in fail mode, Illinois Congressman Aaron Schock flaunted his abs on the cover of Men’s Health, proving what gossips have been saying about him for years: Gay-Gay-Gay. He claims he is promoting anti-obesity. But “confirmed bachelor” Schock is cruising for much, much more than props for supporting Michelle Obama’s pet project. It should be clear by now that the cover shot is actually a photo-shoot of Aaron’s closet.

The “It Gets Better” campaign, telling our youth that life will improve once they get out of high school, allowed older LGBT people to feel good about themselves. But the slick videos and clever marketing didn’t do a damn thing for our suffering youth. We really should have a “Stop Killing Your Queer Kids” campaign instead. When the house is on fire, you don’t tell children trapped inside they’ll feel much better after years of therapy in the burn trauma center. You either fight the fire or get them the fuck out.

FTW, Baby!

Major win goes to potty-mouth comedian Lisa Lampanelli, who was inspired by Westboro Baptist Church to donate $50,000 to Gay Men’s Health Crisis after the haters picketed one of her shows. Lisa wanted to give $1000 for every protester. 48 showed up, so she rounded it out to fifty grand. College groups have used WBC as a fundraiser for a while now, donating the funds in the name of Westboro Baptist and sending Fred Phelps thank-you cards.

Nothing but love for rapper Lil B and the title of his latest album, I’m Gay. His strong stance for our community, revealing hypocrisy in the hip-hop community at the risk of his own neck (both professionally and physiologically) is awesome. NBA players take note: real men defend the helpless. You promote further attacks against our people by throwing around “Faggot!” every time somebody pisses in your cornflakes.

We have a wonderful new icon in Glee as Santana (played to the hilt by Naya Rivera) develops her character as the closeted mean-spirited “Lebanese” cheerleader. Out only to a few people in the story’s narrative, she is gloriously Lez-campy to the audience. Best line: “The only Straight I am is straight-out bitch.” In just a few episodes, Santana became the most interesting character in the series, especially when she used her dark powers to protect nelly-boy Kurt.

And if anything proves how late the extremist Conservative talk-show hosts are in post-Dubya America, Glenn Beck has done it. He pulled a Scott Walker and warned America about how Glee subverts family values. Subtext: it’s too queer. Since Glenn represents everything un-hip, his attack against the Fox network show (the same network that dropped his ass like a hot potato) can only make Glee even more popular, and prove how out of touch the likes of Beck, Rush Limbaugh, and Michael Savage are.

Another sign of the times is the message sent by enlightened New York Conservative power-brokers to homophobic Republicans: Quit attacking LGBT rights or we will not fund you. Thanks, Straight rich White guys! And another feather in NYC’s cap: the New York Times features an interactive site called “Coming Out” so that teenagers can contribute their stories. Rather than giving youth empty promises about a shiny future, give them a voice today.

We cannot overlook the big favor the Tennessee legislature has done for our community by proposing the “Don’t Say Gay” rule. This trifling piece of nonsense forbids teachers from teaching homosexual-related topics to elementary and middle school students. Once again, the squares are making us irresistible to young people.

Epic Win: Osamacare

Have you heard of Osamacare? It is the President’s new health initiative: a vaccine against terrorism. The government will even deliver shots to your compound.

Osama bin Laden and his Al Qaeda henchmen sent America into a tailspin as rabidly right-wing politicians forced us into an ill-executed war after 9/11. They used the attacks on NYC and DC to authorize torture, and in their macho zeal, doubled their own attacks against us, the Gay community. Extremist Christian patriotism was wedded to intolerance of Muslims, witch-hunts against LGBT people in the military, and useless repetitive legislation denying us the right to marry.

For their part, many supposedly Progressive Democrats did nothing to stop the madness, with the notable exception of then-Senator Barack Obama.

The death of Osama during Obama’s watch as Commander-in-Chief is a blow against all those who hate Obama’s policies, including homophobes who go ballistic every time our President refers to us as his fellow Americans, and who continue to hound our people in uniform.

Happy Pride!

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