Sleeper ranges from an intimate portrait of two failing marriages to an abduction along the Afghanistan-Pakistan border before exploding on the set of an extreme right-wing television talk show, following several characters whose fates interlock. One is Bobby Guffin (played by Brant Jones), a highly-paid, idealistic medical consultant who is trying, one hospital at a time, to bring better health care to all Americans. He eventually becomes so burnt-out that he takes a job abroad hoping it will bring him fulfillment, but instead it ends with his abduction by a would-be extortionist. Bobby’s wife, Teri (played by Whitney Thomas Eads), struggles to keep her marriage alive after the death of their young child, and then turns to political activism after her husband disappears.

The other key American character is Rachel (played by Melissa Muguruza Weaver), an ambitious journalist in the Bill O’Reilly mold who rises from local radio news to top-rated celebrity host. Rachel’s husband Chuck (played by Dan Welsh) is a religious ex-football star who does not want to leave their home in Florida to live in a “sinful” city like New York. (At one point she jubilantly announces to her husband, when a Senator she’s been badgering resigns, that she has more power than the American electorate.)

Pulled into the plot against his will is Mahid Yousef (played by Jordan Fehr), a Muslim man from Afghanistan, living in London, whose cousin Kadir (played by Drew Eberly) involves him in the plan to kidnap Bobby and trade him to a French NGO for money. Mahid and Bobby personify a clash of cultures, as Mahid lectures Bobby about his limited perspective (in five languages, no less) and they stumble onto common ground personally and politically. Eberly and Fehr, as part of their extensive studies to prepare for their roles, have been learning several long scenes written entirely in Urdu (the lingua franca of Pakistan.)

Sleeper is directed by Matt Slaybaugh (director of Dirty Math, Skyscrapers of the Midwest, How to live Safely in a Science Fictional Universe and others) and features an outstanding ensemble cast, including Brant Jones (Skyscrapers of the Midwest), Jordan Fehr (Hum, Skyscrapers of the Midwest), Drew Eberly (Richard the Third, Skyscrapers of the Midwest), Dan Welsh (Richard the Third, The Internationalist), as well as Franklin Grace, Whitney Thomas Eads, Melissa Muguruza Weaver, Sarah Gehring and Stefan Langer.

Writing about the play for the New York Theatre Review, playwright Taylor Mac says, Sleeper takes a piercing look at how hard it is to be a nuanced thinker in a world where brazen viciousness is just so much more attractive and empowering.” The play was originally presented by Small Pond Entertainment on July 20, 2008 at Manhattan Theatre Source, New York City and was published in the 2009 edition of New York Theatre Review.

This production is generously supported by grants from the Ohio Arts Council, the Greater Columbus Arts Council and The Columbus Foundation whose support will help bring playwright David Ian Lee to Columbus to participate in the opening of the play.

Available Light is a fellowship of artists dedicated to building a more conscious and compassionate world by creating joyful and profound theatre and serving our community. We engage our community by staging provocative works that examine our culture, expose its shortcomings and reveal the beauty of humankind. We enrich the American theatre by seeking potent processes and vital forms that enable artists and audiences alike to live the life of the imagination. For more information, please visit avltheatre.com.

SCHEDULE

Thursday, February 16 at 8p (with post-show talkback)

Friday, February 17 at 8p (with post-show talkback)

Saturday, February 18 at 8p

Sunday, February 19 at 2p

Thursday, February 23 at 8p (with post-show talkback)

Friday, February 24 at 8p (with post-show talkback)

Saturday, February 25 at 8p

All performances are held at:

Columbus Performing Arts Center

Van Fleet Theater

549 Franklin Ave.

Columbus, OH 43215

TICKETS:

$20/$40/$100 general admission pre-order/Pay What You Want at the door

For tickets, more information and directions: http://avltheatre.com or 614-558-7408

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Caught In A Gay Romance

by Marcus Morris

I want to do something different for Valentine’s Day this year. Last year I went to dinner. In 2010, I spent Valentine’s Day on a gay beach in Cape Town. That night, instead of some hot and steamy sex acts, I moaned in agony from the worst sunburn of my life. Since I thought it would be cute to wear a Speedo, I was rewarded with my inner thighs feeling like they had been torched. I wish I had received aloe vera for Valentine’s Day instead of something romantic. In 2009, I spent Valentine’s Day with my straight best friend since my husband was abroad. In 2008, I had an Anti-Valentine’s Day. I was not a proponent of romance in the slightest. My friend Joe and I proceeded to get really drunk and I passed out on the living room floor. Classy. I am a waiter, so chances are, I’ll be slinging hash to couples wanting to be romantic with one another in one of the many fine establishments in the Short North.

I am going to celebrate on either February 13^th or 15^th. My partner wants to save money, so I was thinking we should cook dinner. You might imagine that there is nothing more romantic than sharing the kitchen with one another. That is until you’ve been in a relationship for 3 years and you just want to eat and watch Rachel Maddow. My partner and I will battle over the chef’s hat, the menu, the drinks and what we will watch after. That’s what relationships are all about. Feel the love.

In the real world, romance comes in the form of something other than chocolates and roses. Sometimes romance can be filling up the gas tank if you share the car. Just yesterday, I thought, “I really don’t want to stand in the goddamn cold filling up gas at $3.50 a gallon.” But, I decided to be “romantic” and stop into the local BP. That’s what romance is! I mean, I could Wal-Mart up the gesture by going into the convenience store and buying a stuffed animal made from polyester and pesticide-ridden cotton, but I chose to be subtle. So, my Valentine’s Day present to you are ideas for romance that are not floral-scented or terribly cliché.

What about a jockstrap? Straight guys get to run to Victoria’s Secret and buy poly-blend lingerie for their wives and girlfriends and mistresses, so why can’t gay men buy jockstraps for their partners and fuck buddies? I would think that a jockstrap would go over quite well. I would much rather unzip pants and receive a jockstrap instead of a Whitmans Sampler. Plus, you can wear a jockstrap outside of Valentine’s Day. You can integrate a jockstrap into your every day life, and if the relationship doesn’t work out, you can slap on that jock and pick up a trick. We need to bring that back to the gay community too – turn off your Grindr and pick someone up the old-fashioned way.

Lube is a fantastic gift on Valentine’s Day. It’s a good way to get the conversation steered toward dessert. Everyone has a preferred lube, so the romance is in getting it right. You don’t want to buy Gun Oil for someone who uses Wet Oil. Personally, I prefer Swiss Navy, but if an encounter is going to happen, I’m not really picky about the lube. Remember, we’ve all made the mistake of using a lube substitute – baby oil, Bengay, peanut butter – so it’s just a good idea to have the real thing on hand.

I know a few people who would love to get a bag of drugs. You don’t have to give the gift of crystal meth or anything that fucked up, but I don’t know anyone who would turn down a Vicodin drip after a hangover, or a few Ambien for those sleepless nights. If you are into the type of guy who is into video games or patchouli, what about a bag of pot? Some drugs are illegal in the United States, but there are a lot of gifts that should be illegal, like college football jerseys and fast-food gift cards… although you might want to give that fast-food gift card to the person as a companion to the bag of weed. The romance involved in passing a one-hitter and then sharing a 10-piece Chicken McNugget is timeless.

Paper is always a good gift. I propose researching vintage magazines and surprising your valentine. If you are into leather, why not get some vintage leather magazines from England in the 1950’s. Sir Gee is my favorite. I would take an issue and have a few images matted and framed. Wouldn’t it be hilarious for guests to walk in your place with images of an “English gent” spread-eagle with leather chaps on the wall? Also, Honcho would also be a great choice. I love vintage porn as art, and you can investigate the fetish of your loved one for bedroom purposes too. Also, don’t forget the lady porn. Even I would love some butch-dyke porn images in a frame. Check out some of the great lesbian porn from the past. On Our Backs would be a fantastic start.

If your partner isn’t into porn-as-art, then old issues of Good Housekeeping and Ladies Home Journal are chock full of irony and gorgeous photographs. Once, I saw a fab kitchen that was full of images of women baking and entertaining. This was in the household of a woman who couldn’t crack an egg, was a staunch feminist, and found the shit totally amusing. Personally, I’d like a few issues of old Harper’s Bazaar and Vogue. The photographs are unparalleled, and you could frame an Irving Penn still-life, or a Louise Dahl-Wolfe photograph of the Southwest. A real print of Penn’s work could cost you $100,000, so this is a steal. Throw in a few old issues of COLT, and I’m happy.

Lastly, this gift is cliché, but a bottle of champagne is never dull or wrong. For my first romantic Valentine’s Day, I got a bottle of Veuve. Best gift you can give. If you don’t like champagne, save it for a party, serve it for brunch mimosas, or re-gift it to me. I enjoy the gift of champagne or good wine. Hell, I enjoy a bottle from Trader Joes! So, class it up and get a bottle of bubbly. Some things are timeless: Pot is timeless. Porn is timeless. A jockstrap and lube are timeless. Some people give roses and chocolate and cheap lingerie. Don’t be that person. Give something a little different that might last forever. Or, until you have to get more lube at the end of the month.

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Hot and Bloody

by Mario Pinardi

If I really wanted someone to suck me, it wouldn’t be for blood. Gay boys and straight girls are way too obsessed with vampires and the made-up Hollywood stories that they are embalmed in. If you were to trick with a “true” vampire they would chomp your dick off or eat your clitoris. Duh. I understand the need for escapism (this is usually European porn for me) and fantasy, but vampires? And, I thought I was morbid. The more recent vampires are either portrayed as super, “Photoshopped” buff or sickly, emaciated carcasses. Now, I will take anything buff for my “love monkey,” but I am not into the Skeletor look at all. Isn’t it gross to have a carcass blow you? I hope this trend of “glamour vampires” leaves soon, but I am not confident about this – we still hold on to stale trends here like the Hoarders on A&E. Those who are unfortunate enough to know me understand my thirst for education and fact-finding. Let’s look at “real” vampires and let’s see how glamorous they truly are.

In October 2008, ABC News did a story about real life “vampires” and how they exist in modern society. ABC interviewed modern vampires, scholars and physicians about the existence of vampirism. Vampirism doesn’t mean you are immortal and that you will pop out of a coffin. There is a definite diversity about the vampire community, some are the epitome of what we think vampires are, but many are not. First, not all real-life vampires drink blood. While “sanguine” vampires say they need to drink human or animal blood in order to energize them, “pranic” vampires say they can simply feed off the energy of other humans. Pranic, in this context, stems from the Hindu notion of prana, or energy. A pranic vampire can draw on the energy of people who are within 25 or 30 feet. When a pranic vampire begins to feel drained or their body is out of balance, they can either “sip” from the ambient energy of surrounding crowds or eat a “scheduled full meal” from a group of friends who have granted their permission. Friends and family of pranic vampires can feel “transparent” and depleted around their vampire friend. In fact, I think I may have had many pranic vampire friends that sucked the life out of me and my wallet – draining homos!

“Sanguine” vampires say they need to drink human or animal blood in order energize themselves and some cite the so-called Renfield’s syndrome, a condition used to describe an obsession to drink blood, as a diagnosis for their craving. Renfield’s syndrome is not recognized in medical literature and is rejected by medical doctors, psychiatrists and psychologists. There are rare cases in which people suffer from clinical vampirism, which is the psychotic delusion that you need blood to survive. Convinced that they need to drink blood, these folks cut themselves or have killed loved ones to satisfy their need. Clinical vampirism is very different from forming a vampirish persona and participating in a subculture that celebrates it. Sanguine vampires feed by typically consuming an ounce or less of blood at a time and usually no more than once a week. When “sanguine” vampires obtain blood from human sources, it is consensual and facilitated. So, yes, real-life bloodsuckers are not going to jump out of the bushes at night and bite your neck for some blood. If someone is going to jump out of the bushes at night at you, they are not seeking blood; they are seeking your fake-ass Prada wallet.

Like gays and straight girls, the vampire community is a tight knit group, in that they are protective about who knows they that practice vampirism, for fear of being ridicule or ostracized. Vampires usually date and mate within their own community. Sounds familiar? There are many vampire community websites that can help you join a vampire group or pack. www.sanguinarius.org and vampires.meetup.com are two sites that provide direction on how to meet other vampires.

I know you are thinking, “Halloween is not until October, what the fuck is he writing?” Well, there is never a bad time to chat about vampires. There is so much trendy TV and film that are vampire-centric and there is so much press propaganda around this craze that it is hard for a teen zealot to think clearly. And, if you are an adult who is a zealot that screams when they see R-Patz or the buff vampires of True Blood, you really need better meds. By the way, R-Patz and K-Stew are two hipster Hollywood kids who played out a morbid love story in film; they do not openly practice vampirism. But, there were some hot vampires in this film series – would you date a bloodsucker? And True Blood – what a morbid romance. I love morbidity, but this show is so hokey that it is like a teen soap opera with nudity. Personally, I think the vampire craze is as absurd as Prince’s ass-less pants from the 1980s and it only gives kids another reason to shop at Hot Topic.

The only correlation between the modern vampires and us is the community that modern vampires created for themselves in order to protect themselves. And, this is not a bad thing either. The GLBT community has been and still is struggling to achieve equality, and we tend to flock together to protect ourselves and to feel comfortable. Maybe we need a “vampire” pride for our vampire brothers and sisters?

Lastly, this is the month of love, remember to love yourself first and always be a survivor, never a victim. Now, I think I am going to ask Hubby to buy a garlic necklace – I may have pissed off a few bloodsuckers, as well as a few homos.

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Savage Love

By Dan Savage

Have boyfriend. Several months. Love sex. First time we sixty-nine, I notice he has a little turtlehead sticking out. You get me? Second time, he has bits of toilet paper stuck in that area. CAN I ADDRESS THIS? And how do I do it without giving him a permanently flaccid penis? I love this man to pieces and know this is a humiliating topic. Please help!

Mired In The Mud

Got you. Wish I didn’t, but did.

If you don’t have the nerve to speak up when someone is grinding shitbuds and dingleberries in the vicinity of your nostrils, MITM, I’m not sure there’s anything I can say that’s gonna help. But for what it’s worth…

YES, YOU ADDRESS IT! IMMEDIATELY!

When someone pushes your face into a dirty asscrack – or allows you to place your face in the general vicinity of a dirty asscrack – you say something along the lines of “What the fuck, dude, go take a dump and jump in the shower! Christ!” His ego, to say nothing of his future erections, should be your least concern at a moment like that. So you say it without hesitation, without concern for his feelings, and you say it as you leap out of bed and reach for your shirt, pants, car keys, and phone. You don’t just lie there pretending that his buttrasta isn’t dangling over your nose. Even if he’s never able to get another erection with you, MITM, he’ll know to spot-check for cleanliness – are there no washcloths in Gilead? – before he crawls on top of anyone else.

I’m a 23-year-old gay guy. I’ve been talking to a nice guy who will possibly become my first boyfriend. The little quibble I’m having is… I’m a virgin. It’s not that big a deal to me – it just hasn’t happened yet – but I was wondering if I should mention it to this guy. He made an aside about virginity (unprompted by me) during one of our chats: “No, I’m not a virgin, that’s nothing that you should worry about with me.” That was probably my opportunity to tell him, but I didn’t. Should I have told him? What if I tell him during sex? Could that make it hot?

Thank you for what you do. I found the courage to come out because of you.

Ready And Willing

If you found the courage to come out to family and friends about being gay – which you found inside yourself, RAW, but thanks for the nice compliment – you can come out to this boy about being a virgin.

Don’t tell him during sex, RAW, and don’t tell him in a way that makes this relevant information about your sexual history – you don’t have one – seem like a character flaw, a cancer diagnosis, or a request for an open marriage six years after you began an adulterous affair with a congressional staffer. You’re just a 23-year-old virgin, RAW, there’s nothing wrong with you; it’s not like you’re one of Elizabeth Santorum’s idiotic gay friends or a cast member of The A-List: Dallas. The next time you see this boy, initiate a casual, low-stakes, getting-to-know-you make-out session at a time when you can’t transition to full-on, no-holes-barred gay sex. Relax, kiss the boy, be chill. Then pause and inform him that you’re not very sexually experienced – in fact, you’ve never been with anyone. Reassure him that you’re not a duckling – you’re not going to imprint on the first dick you see – but that you wanted him to know.

How are you supposed to react to the discovery – entirely accidental – that your youngest brother has a “femdom” relationship with his wife? I stumbled over my brother’s “anonymous” sex blog. It goes into detail about the “domestic discipline” she subjects him to: humiliation, spanking, “ruined orgasms” (whatever that is!), cuckolding. There are no names, but there are pictures. Their faces are blurred out, but I recognize their living room, their bedroom, the necklace my sister-in-law wears, my brother’s chin and hair. If I recognized them, other family members might. What do I say?

Biggest Big Bro

Besides “Hey, bro, I’m kinky, too!”? (You “stumbled over” your brother’s kinky sex blog? How’d that happen? Did he leave it sitting in your driveway?) If you can’t bring yourself to say that, BBB, you say nothing and trust that more-distant, less-kinky family members are unlikely to “stumble over” your brother’s anonymous femdom blog anytime soon. And even if they do, they’re probably not familiar enough with your brother and sister-in-law’s home, jewelry, chins, etc., to recognize him.

Congrats, Dan. It looks like you’ve got your first high-profile “monogamish” public figure: Newt Gingrich. You must be so proud.

Savage Can’t Understand Monogamy

For anyone who spent last week under a rock: Newt Gingrich, brave defender of traditional marriage, was still married to his second wife – and still fucking the consecrated host out of his “devout Catholic” mistress – when he asked his second wife to agree to an open marriage. Newt had been fucking Callista, his devoutly Catholic mistress, for six years when he made the big ask. Newt’s second wife wouldn’t agree to an open marriage, according to Newt’s second wife, which is how she became Newt’s second ex-wife and Newt’s mistress – the devoutly Catholic Callista – became Newt’s third wife.

That’s not monogamish, SCUM. That’s CPOSish. And lumping honest nonmonogamists – people who don’t lie or cheat – in with the likes of the Gingriches and Schwarzeneggers of the world, which whiny and insecure monogamists (who are not to be confused with reasonable and secure monogamists) are always doing, is simply unfair. Newt, like Arnold before him, didn’t succeed at nonmonogamy, he failed at monogamy.

Zooming out for a moment: The Gingrich campaign has presented the holesome story of Newt and Callista’s courtship as a redemption narrative: Newt is a better man today thanks to Callista, he’s better suited to be president thanks to Callista, and he’s better prepared to defend traditional marriage thanks to Callista. She’s been described as a “devout Catholic” in every profile written about her – so devout that her love brought Newt to the one, holy, Catholic, apostolic, and ever-more-rabidly anti-gay church. So it seems to me that it’s fair to ask if Callista knew in advance that Newt was proposing an open marriage to his then-wife and approved of the arrangement. (It might be more accurate to say that Newt informed his second wife that she was already in an open marriage and asked if she wanted to remain in it.) Did Callista know about Newt’s open marriage proposal? Did Newt bounce the idea off his devoutly Catholic mistress first? Maybe right after he finished bouncing himself off his devoutly Catholic mistress?

Would the devout Catholic still be Newt’s mistress today if the second Mrs. Gingrich had agreed to remain in the marriage that Newt had already opened?

This news alters the redemption narrative that the Gingrich camp set before the voters. So questioning Callista about the open marriage proposal – what did the mistress know and when did she know it? – seems like an entirely legit line of inquiry to me.

Callista Gingrich, like her vile husband, doesn’t believe that gays and lesbians should be equal under the law because, as a good Catholic, she believes that homosexuality is a sin and that homosexuals should remain celibate. Well, the Catholic Church considers adultery, divorce, and birth control sinful, too. Someone in the liberal media really ought to ask Callista to explain why her faith should place limits on my sexual expression but not her own.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net. @fakedansavage on Twitter.

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AIDS in Black (Gay) America – ARC Ohio Starts Greater Columbus Mpowerment Center to Fight HIV Among Young Gay Men of Color

by D.A. Steward

Research by the U.S. Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) shows that there are more new HIV infections among young black men who have sex with men (MSM) than any other racial or ethnic group of MSM. And that the number of new infections among young black gay men is nearly twice that of young white gay men.

This is a statistic that’s kept me up at the night for the better part of three years, when I first started volunteering in the prevention department at AIDS Resource Center Ohio, and has stumped decades of HIV prevention specialists and researchers from across the nation.

I recently took a full-time job with ARC Ohio’s newly developed Greater Columbus Mpowerment Center that will address this problem, and with National Black HIV/AIDS Awareness Day being February 7, outlook and I thought addressing this issue apropos. But hopefully by the end of this article you’ll realize this struggle is one that deserves your attention year-round.

There are 50,000 new HIV infections in America each year. Of those new infections, nearly 44 percent are African American. The U.S. Census Bureau reports that roughly 14 percent of Americans are black. Clearly black America has become disproportionately affected by HIV. But in the last few years, the infection rate among black gay males has reached epidemic levels, on par with the infection rate of white gay males during the initial “AIDS scare” of the 1980s. The CDC reports that in major U.S. cities nearly one in three black gay/bisexual men are infected with HIV, and 60 percent of them don’t know it.

Unfortunately, Columbus is at the forefront of this pandemic. Franklin County has the largest number of people living with an HIV diagnosis in Ohio (around 3,400), and the 25th highest rate of new infections in the nation. MSM still account for the highest affected demographic, actually rising from 63 percent of the reported HIV infections in Franklin County to 72 percent between 2003 and 2008, according to the Ohio Department of Health. The data also shows that of the 3,000+ living cases of HIV in Central Ohio, 25 percent are African American males, while 3 percent are “non-white.”

HIV is no longer The Boogey Man it once was. Information on how HIV is transferred, treated and prevented is now considered common knowledge. In November, Bill Hardy, ARC Ohio’s executive director, returned from the U.S. Conference on AIDS in Chicago with this quote from a researcher presenting there: “We really do now have the means to end the HIV/AIDS epidemic.” So why three decades after the first AIDS diagnosis, are we seeing it ravage another marginalized demographic?

There are many theories: Not enough funds are being focused on HIV advocacy and awareness in the MSM, amongst MSM, including black MSM. The stark and belligerent homophobia that often pervades the African American community, often perpetuated by the “black church.” Along with an unfortunately common habit among black churches to ignore any issue dealing with sexual or mental health. Also the “down low” phenomena; and not the myths or media hype, but the oppressing reality of a group of men trapped in a debilitating cycle of self-hate and secrecy.

These hypotheses have been debated for years, and we may never reach a consensus, but regardless something needs to be done now to curb the devastating reality of the statistics.

The CDC has recognized the need for immediate action and back in September awarded $55 million ($11 million annually for five years) to organizations around the country for HIV prevention programs aimed at young gay men of color and young transgender persons of color. As many are aware, ARC Ohio was recently awarded $1.6 million (approx. $333,000 annually for five years) to create one of these programs. (With nine offices, ARC Ohio is the state’s leading provider of HIV awareness, advocacy and care.)

ARC Ohio CEO Bill Hardy has been a strong advocate for more prevention and testing resources to reach gay and bisexual men.

“Gay and bisexual men still bear an enormously disproportionate burden of this epidemic. Two-thirds of all new HIV cases in Ohio are among this population, but less than a third of state HIV prevention dollars over the past years have been allocated to HIV programs specifically designed to reduce HIV among gay and bisexual men,” he said. “We have got to change the fact that every 25 hours someone in Central Ohio – most often, a young, gay man – becomes HIV-infected.”

It was this disparity, Columbus’ large gay population, and our unfortunate distinction of having the 25th highest rate of HIV in the nation that led ARC Ohio to apply for the CDC grant.

The Greater Columbus Mpowerment Center’s mission is to be at the forefront of HIV prevention, education and advocacy for the same-gender-loving (SGL) black and Latino male community. We also strive to be a visible voice and a vehicle for accountability with the goal of ending stigma and providing mental and social support. The center provides free HIV testing, prevention programming, social and educational events and a general safe space for black and Latino men to congregate. GCMC is currently operating out of ARC Ohio, 4400 N. High Street, Columbus, but will soon move into its own yet-to-be-designated location. We hope to be located near downtown Columbus, and plan to be fully operating from there by March.

“In order to address the impact HIV is having on the youth and men of color a community-level approach is needed to address the various and complex issues faced by this community,” said Malcolm Varner, GCMC’s new director, formerly an Outreach Coordinator with Nationwide Children’s Hospital’s Family and AIDS Clinic and Education Services (FACES) program.

The need for GCMC has been a long time coming. We’ve seen great work done on this issue by other community organizations but there’s never been a center that focuses not only on the need for HIV prevention, advocacy and awareness, but also focuses on the need for a collective mobilization within our community to combat this epidemic.

“I have witnessed firsthand the decimation of our community,” said Ron Murray, the center’s Mpowerment Program Coordinator, a born and bred Columbus native who’s been in the social work field for more than a decade. “What has remained a constant is that the numbers of new infections continued to rise. The uniqueness of GCMC and programs like Mpowerment is that it allows participants to identify the issues they’re dealing with – whether it be HIV prevention, treatment, dating or participating in high risk behaviors – and look at solutions from a more social and collective aspect.”

Black HIV/AIDS Awareness Day is February 7 and was established many years ago to shine a fierce and necessary light on the staggering statistics mentioned above. The CDC has taken a great first step, but this needs to only be the beginning. My personal hope is that by this time next year the doomsday media coverage of increased infection will be replaced with human-interest spotlights on decreases instead.

Please join ARC Ohio at Columbus Public Health, 240 Parsons Ave., Columbus, Thursday, February 9, 6p-7:30p, for a Community Information Session about the new center featuring the GCMC staff. Can’t attend? More information about the Greater Columbus Mpowerment Center can be found at Facebook.com/ColumbusMpowerment, email gcmc@arcohio.org or 614.340.6717. More information about the work of ARC Ohio log on to www.arcohio.org.  Info on the National Black HIV/AIDS Awareness Day visit www.blackaidsday.org.

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A Conversation with Makeda Porter, MSW, Prevention Services Manager, Sexual Health Program, Columbus Public Health

by Michael Daniels

Makeda Porter has one of the most important jobs in the City, though you may have never heard of her before. Why? Because she works behind the scenes, in the trenches, keeping us safe and healthy. Here’s my interview with her on the why, the what, and the how.

Michael Daniels: I understand Columbus Public Health is working on a Sexual Health Campaign. Can you tell us about it?

Makeda Porter: This Sexual Health Campaign is an extension of the work we do every day to raise awareness for testing and treatment of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and for promoting safer sex in our community. However, with this new campaign, we will be looking at fresh new ways to reach those most affected. It will be a multi-faceted approach, including advertising, social media, YouTube, collateral pieces such as brochures, flyers and cards, and local bars and community centers to reach everyone who is sexually active and most at risk.

MD: Why a campaign now?

MP: The numbers tell us why. In Columbus, we continue to have high STI rates, and in the last few years we’ve had several outbreaks of syphilis and other major STIs in our communities. In 2010, Franklin County ranked 22nd for reported Chlamydia cases, 14th for reported gonorrhea cases and 30th in the nation for the most infectious primary and secondary stages of syphilis.

MD: Who will the campaign reach?

MP: While the campaign may reach many, we will focus our efforts on two key groups: young African American Gay men and men who have sex with men (MSM).

MD: What are the major STIs that you see in the Gay community?

MP: In Columbus, we continue to see high numbers of major STIs such as HIV, syphilis and gonorrhea.

MD: Are these STIs serious?

MP: Absolutely. HIV is a serious infection with no cure. And even though there is more management of HIV today, it is still difficult – and very expensive – to treat, and its affects the rest of your life. Syphilis can be cured, but it can also be very serious – even life threatening – if left untreated. It can cause you to go blind, get into your joints causing problems with walking, and eventually affect your internal organs and central nervous system. But, just like other STIs, HIV and syphilis are preventable.

MD: We continue to hear of syphilis outbreaks, are we having one right now?

MP: While we are not currently having an outbreak in Columbus at this time, the numbers are still high – and the threat of an outbreak remains very real. Cincinnati and now Dayton are both experiencing syphilis outbreaks. Because we live in a mobile society, we are at risk of the infection traveling further north to central Ohio.

MD: When will the campaign roll out?

MP: We have been hard at work on the campaign over the last few months, conducting focus groups and collecting information. We are now in the creative process and we expect to start rolling out the campaign in the next couple of months.

MD: Are you working with any other partners in the campaign?

MP: Health is not a solo act, so we are reaching out to all agencies that do HIV work in the community. The AIDS Recourse Center of Central Ohio (ARC) is already at the table lending expertise and we hope other groups will join us as well. It will take all of us working together to get maximum impact from the campaign so we can make a difference.

MD: What is the goal of the campaign?

MP: Our goal is to encourage all men who are sexually active to seek testing. The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) recommends that all Gay men get tested for syphilis and HIV every year. Knowing your status is powerful- having another untreated STI increases the likelihood of transmitting and acquiring HIV. Seeking treatment will help protect you and your partners against these serious infections.

MD: What can Gay men do to protect themselves?

MP: Prevention is key. Condoms may not be sexy, but they are the best line of defense against STIs. And, getting tested and knowing your status is critical to protecting yourself and others.

For more information, contact Columbus Public Health, 240 Parsons Avenue, Columbus, 43215, 614.645.7772, http://publichealth.columbus.gov/, or visit them on Facebook and Twitter.

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HOUDINI IS HAPPENING WITH HUGH

Hugh Jackman can’t stay away from Broadway. The part-time Real Steel/Wolverine tough guy is, apparently, incapable of curing his song-and-dance lust. So now that The Boy From Oz is a distant memory and he’s finished up with Hugh Jackman: Back on Broadway, he needs a new reason to belt out the big numbers for matinee audiences. Enter Houdini, in the works for a couple years now with Jackman in mind for the lead and, at one point, set to feature music from Danny Elfman. Jackman is still the man in the title role but now the score will come from Stephen Schwartz (Wicked), the script from Aaron Sorkin (The Social Network) and Jack O’Brien (Hairspray) will direct. And rather than a straightforward biography approach, Houdini will tell the story of a conflict the legendary magician encountered in the form of a trio of women known as “Spirtualists.” The women had convinced scores of followers, including editors at Scientific American and The New York Times, that they could communicate with the dead. Houdini, on the other hand, was less than convinced. If audiences believe – and they probably will – this could be the big hit of the 2013 season. Start planning your New York visits now.

FRANCO’S GAY STREAK CONTINUES

James Franco is no stranger to playing gay. On screen he’s been James Dean, Allen Ginsberg, Hart Crane, Harvey Milk’s boyfriend Scott Smith and an ambiguous stoner in the comedy Pineapple Express. So here he goes again, this time tackling the role of legendary contemporary artist Robert Mapplethorpe for an upcoming biopic. The controversial artist, who died of AIDS in 1989 and whose frankly homoerotic photographs caused a firestorm of censorship efforts among cultural conservatives in the late 1980s, is almost tailor-made for a big screen story. And given the artist’s huge personality and bravado, the actor who plays him should be equally unafraid, which makes it a perfect fit for Franco. The upcoming film, among the first to receive grants through Tribeca Film Institute’s “All Access Program” and directed by documentarian Ondi Timoner, will be produced by Buffy The Vampire Slayer’s Eliza Dushku and her brother Nate Dushku, who was, at one time, expected to play Mapplethorpe. More news to come as production rolls on.

DIRECTORS IN FLUX: PEIRCE TALKS CARRIE, VAN SANT REPLACES DAMON

Post-Columbine, it’s been impossible to get a high school outcast-gets-revenge movie anywhere near a studio’s production slate. But then there’s Carrie, a project that’s almost magically exempt from any discussion of media blame when real kids go on real life murderous rampages. Based on the modern horror classic written by Stephen King, the original film starring young Sissy Spacek was a deep dive into a terrifying world of religious mania, telekinesis and involuntary manslaughter (lots and lots of it). Naturally, a remake is in the works and Boys Don’t Cry director Kimberly Peirce is in talks to take the helm. Hope she gets it; she’d be a great fit. Meanwhile, on the boys side of Hollywood, Gus Van Sant looks to be stepping into Matt Damon’s shoes as he takes over an untitled production that Damon was scheduled to direct. Co-starring with John Krasinski is still on tap for Damon, who also co-wrote the script – one that people who’ve read it are calling “Capra-esque” – in which the two actors play rival corporate executives whose values and greed are called into question. And Van Sant was the first and only director Damon called to take over, a no-brainer since the pair has worked together off and on ever since Good Will Hunting.

2012 TAKES ON NEW MEANING FOR 2012 DIRECTOR

Gay director Roland Emmerich’s end-of-the-world thriller 2012 ended with humanity’s final survivors fleeing for safety in giant arks, so it’s not like he’s ever at a loss for outlandish outcomes, but which candidate will be safely ensconced in the White House – not just in real life, but in make-believe TV-land, too – when the director’s new 2012 Presidential campaign-themed TV series wraps up its first story arc? That’s the first question you might ask about this pilot, picked up by ABC, which focuses on a young astrophysics student (why not?) whose destiny becomes linked with the election. The next question might be what it’s going to be called, because there’s no title just yet. And that’s just the start. Who’s going to star? How fast can they get it moving and on the air? And most importantly, what’s going to happen to the story after the January 2013 inauguration? Stay tuned as this game of TV dice-rolling shakes out.

Romeo San Vicente plans to vote early and often.

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In a perfect world, I will meet someone I find terribly attractive. He’ll be smart, funny, successful, interesting and interested. The good morning text will arrive every day by 8, he will call every night before bed, make time for me even though he’s busy, all the while being a perfect gentleman. Never having felt this before, my heart tells me he’s “the one.” I dream of the day he will present me with the perfect ring. We will have the perfect house and the sweetest children you’ve ever seen.

But what if this seemingly perfect man sat me down and said, “I have HIV.” In an instant, all that “perfection” slips away. Unsure of how to feel, I think he’s the love of my life, shouldn’t I be there for him? But I want to have kids, I want to retire with my husband, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life afraid I’ll get it too, risk giving it to my children, and watch the man I love die young from his disease. Is that the deal breaker? What could I do? What would you do?

This is a question you may have already had to answer, or might have to eventually. It’s probable you’ve never considered the potential of your lover being HIV positive. Have you asked all your partners what their status was? Did you use a condom with every sexual encounter? How long has it been since you got tested? If you don’t have definite answers to the previous questions, now is the time to get serious about your sexual awareness. The CDC reports the number of people living with HIV infection in the United States (HIV prevalence) is higher than ever before. CDC has estimated that more than 1 million (1,106,400) adults and adolescents were living with HIV infection in the United States at the end of 2006, the most recent year for which national prevalence estimates are available.

The ability to accept someone and their HIV status is something Michelle Evans was forced to struggle with as a freshman in high school. Michelle explains that she just wanted to live life as teenager, be a little reckless and live in the present without thinking about the future. All of that changed after she got a boyfriend who was a senior in high school. After dating awhile she found out she was pregnant. A month from giving birth, she received an anonymous call that needed to get tested because she had sex with someone who was HIV positive. Only having been with one man, Michelle knew whom it came from. She got tested. Pregnant and now positive, she confronted her boyfriend. Why didn’t he tell her? Apparently, it was because of the way she answered his “hypothetical” question: “Say someone I know has a girlfriend who is pregnant, and he just found out that he’s HIV positive. What would you do in her situation?” Michelle answered, “I’d stop having sex with him.” To him, that was justification to never tell her. They broke up and Michelle gave birth to their son on August 1, 2003.

Michelle takes five pills a day to treat her HIV. Unaware of her status during her pregnancy, she was unable to prevent passing it to her son. He is now eight, and it was only recently that he learned he was HIV positive. Previously, he believed he was taking a lot vitamins, at different times of the day. When he decided to stop taking them, Michelle sat him down and explained what he had and why he takes medication. She used books tailored for children to aid her in this conversation. The guilt Michelle struggles with everyday causes a strain on their relationship. She tells me she does the best she can but fears it is not enough. To ensure her son gets all the love he deserves, he lives with his grandparents 15 minutes away.

Michelle is also a mom to two other boys, with another man. Her youngest son is about to celebrate his first birthday, and the other is almost two years old. With her medication, Michelle has an undetectable viral load. And by having c-sections with her youngest children, they were both born HIV negative. She has been involved with the father of her youngest children for seven years, never worn a condom and he has remained HIV negative. They have a unique family arrangement. They live together with their two children but are currently not together. They are open to seeing other people, but Michelle is doing what she can to make it work. They’re currently thinking of having a threesome. Michelle was clear about taking the necessary precautions, informing them of her HIV status, and discussing potential consequences prior to the act. Whomever joins them will be able to make an informed choice. When asked if a threesome was risky behavior, Michelle replied, “I believe that it’s a risky behavior on its own, but why should I not be able to live as a young adult just because of my condition?” Michelle explained that a threesome isn’t on her list of things to do but experimenting is; and if a threesome will make him happy, then she’ll try it.

Michelle feels like she’s settling for her current situation because of her status, but doesn’t want to move on. “I’m too afraid. I’m afraid of judgment. I’m afraid of people who won’t accept me. I’m afraid of people who say they accept me but they don’t.”

Former outlook intern Mackenzie met someone online, a man looking for love and hoping for acceptance. He was the first man Mackenzie had dated with HIV. Unlike Michelle, Mackenzie was informed of his date’s status, “He told me at the end of our first date. After wandering around the Short North and Campus for a while, we went back to my place and he sat me down with the very serious phrase, ‘There’s something I need to tell you.’ And that was when I found out. So, I guess I only didn’t know for one day of the 10 months we dated.”

When first learning about his new interest’s HIV status Mack says, “I was shocked, but mostly out of my own ignorance. I’d never known anyone before that was positive, or even knew of anyone. I wanted to know more, to understand and to be sure that we were safe. In the moment, right after he told me, I told him exactly what was true at that moment: that it didn’t change how I felt about him. Yes, I was scared, but how do you move forward without ever doing something that you’re afraid to do?”

The relationship ended but Mackenzie took something extremely valuable away from it, “I learned how to communicate better about sex and status. The experience reinforced the necessity of getting checked. I had a lot to mull on after we broke up. You usually do after a break up, but I had this whole first-positive-boyfriend thing floating around in my head, too. Dating him has only made me smarter about how I date.”

Whether you’re the one who has HIV or you’ve dated someone who is positive, getting into new relationships is hard enough, adding the stigma of HIV it could make it seem impossible. I wonder if more people thought like Mackenzie, would Michelle still be so afraid? Would the boyfriend that gave her HIV have told her when he found out? If everyone wanted to learn more and increase their understanding, would all people with HIV be more forth coming? Would people start protecting themselves and change their thinking to “this could happen to me?” Would this help decrease the spread of HIV? I believe it would.

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How Gay Populations Influence Housing Prices

by Eric Jaffe from The Atlantic Cities

Exactly how gay populations affect the urban housing market is something of an open question. On one hand, surveys have found that gays and lesbians believe they’ve been targets of housing discrimination at times. If a neighborhood doesn’t want gay people to live there, one might expect its average home values to drop. On the other hand, research from 331 metro areas by our own Richard Florida has found that artist and gay populations increase housing prices in urban neighborhoods, because these groups produce amenities that are at a premium and reflect a tolerance that facilitates the exchange of knowledge and ideas.

New research, scheduled for publication in the March 2012 issue of the Journal of Urban Economics tries to settle these conflicting findings by focusing on a single city: Columbus, Ohio. The leaders of the study, economists David Christafore of Konkuk University in Korea and Susane Leguizamon of Tulane University, wanted to see if home values in various neighborhoods of Columbus responded differently to the presence of gay populations. They wanted to discover whether any real estate fluctuations might turn on a single key factor: the neighborhood’s sociopolitical slant.

Christafore and Leguizamon used data from the 2000 Census to determine same-sex households in the Columbus metro area. They then gauged the political leanings of various neighborhoods of the city based on voting records from the “Defense of Marriage Act” in Ohio. In 2004, Ohio became the 38th state to approve the act, which defines marriage as between a man and woman and refuses to recognize same-sex marriages from other jurisdictions. Christafore and Leguizamon presumed that areas where more people voted for the act were likely conservative, and those that voted against it were more liberal. Last, they evaluated more than 20,000 real estate transactions that occurred in the Columbus area in 2000.

Their results suggest a strong link between a neighborhood’s social ideology and its response to gay populations, as measured in housing prices. In areas where 59 percent or more voted against the marriage act – in other words, more liberal areas – the number of same-sex households was associated with a rise in home values. In areas that voted more vehemently for the marriage act – considered more conservative neighborhoods – housing prices dropped when same-sex households increased. (The mean vote for Columbus was 56 percent approval.)

The extreme ends of the spectrum offered additional support for their argument. In the most liberal part of the city, where approval of the marriage act reached just 31 percent, an increase in just a single same-sex household in a thousand was connected with a full 1 percent rise in home price. In the most conservative neighborhood, where approval of the act reached 84 percent, adding one gay household in a thousand was linked with a full 1 percent decline. A closer look at the data revealed that gay males drove the shift in value; the presence of lesbians didn’t seem to influence prices as strongly.

Overall, the authors conclude, the results suggest “that prejudice against same-sex coupled households does exist in areas that are socially conservative.”

Senate Education Committee Unanimously Passes Safe Schools Bill that Includes Two Out of Three Provisions Promoted by Equality Ohio

On January 9, the Ohio Senate Education Committee passed HB116, also known as the “Jessica Logan Act,” unanimously. This bill includes provisions that protect Ohio students from the rising trend of cyber-bullying and require school districts to provide more comprehensive training on anti-bullying policies. The bill, however, was amended in committee this morning to exclude a provision that would prohibit bullying based on any real or perceived characteristics of the student, such as race, disability, sexual orientation and gender identity, and the bill did not include enumeration of particular characteristics.

Since the current anti-bullying law was passed in 2006, Equality Ohio has worked closely with coalition partners, including the Ohio Suicide Prevention Foundation, the Ohio Psychological Association, and the University of Toledo Law School Safe Schools Project, to pass a comprehensive bill that strengthens the law to include cyber-bullying, training, and enumeration. We are certainly pleased that the committee has passed provisions relating to cyber-bullying and training, and we look forward to these provisions becoming law in Ohio. “Protecting students against cyber-bullying and improving training on anti-bullying policies will have a positive effect on our schools and make them more safe for students,” says Ed Mullen, Executive Director of Equality Ohio.

However, Equality Ohio is very disappointed that enumeration was not included in the bill. Academic studies and empirical evidence demonstrate that enumeration is critical to a strong anti-bullying policy. Ohio Department of Education discipline data shows that bullying has risen nearly 50% in Ohio from 2005 to 2007, despite passage of generic anti-bullying legislation in 2006. In Ohio, nearly one-fifth (18%) of Ohio students at schools with generic policies felt unsafe, while only 2% of students at schools with enumerated policies did. Students who attend schools with enumerated policies are harassed far less often for reasons such as their physical appearance, their sexual orientation or their gender expression; are less likely than other students to report a serious harassment problem at their school; and are 50% more likely to feel very safe at school.

Enumeration is particularly important for already vulnerable groups of students. LGBT students in states that don’t require enumeration have the same experience of bullying as those without any anti-bullying and harassment laws at all. Enumeration provides teachers and other school officials the tools they need to implement anti-bullying and harassment policies, which makes it easier for them to prevent bullying and intervene when incidents occur.

The Ohio School Board Association opposed enumerating Ohio’s anti-bullying law because they were concerned about additional potential liability. “Ironically, the best way for schools to prevent liability is to implement and enforce strong anti-bullying policies that include enumeration. These policies will prevent bullying in many cases and enable teachers and administrators to respond effectively when necessary, reducing the risk of lawsuits. Moreover, the existence and enforcement of strong anti-bullying policies would be an effective defense to lawsuits that are filed,” says Ed Mullen.

A standalone bill that would enumerate Ohio’s anti-bullying law, HB208, is pending before the House Education Committee, and Equality Ohio will continue to work to move this bill forward.

Yellow Springs Love-In Weekend includes Ohio Same Sex Marriage Update

Join in for peace, love, music and chocolate at the Yellow Springs “Love-In” Weekend, February 10-12. Twenty events for lovers, families, and single hipsters include “The Kiss” Public Performance Art, Wedding Vow Renewals, Tour de Chocolat (look for the big red heart), Live Music, T-Shirt Screenings and more!

“Love your body with yoga workshops. Love the earth with our anti-fracking campaign. Love each other with an update on Ohio same-sex marriage (from Ed Mullen, Exec. Director of Equality Ohio). We’ve got something for everyone who wants to celebrate peace, love or music during this important Valentine weekend,” reports Joanne Caputo, the new Arts and Cultural Manager for the Yellow Springs Arts Council, who has coordinated the weekend events.

Beginning Friday evening, you can drop off the kids for valentine-making (at the 8th grade fundraiser), then hit the town for an evening of fun. There’s more peace and love all day Saturday, including Antioch College troubadours. Sunday wraps up with “John & Yoko’s Memorial Love-In” and a Peace Open Mic.

For details, visit www.yellow-springs-experience.org or on Facebook: Yellow Springs Experience.

February Family Films

In honor of Black History Month, the King Arts Complex, Dollar General Literacy Foundation, and US Bank along with Clear Channel Radio Group, Bounce TV23, Columbus African American News Journal, Urban Spirits, The Fly Paper, Magic 106.3, Columbus Urban League, Columbus Chapter of the NAACP, outlook: columbus Magazine, Who’s Who Columbus and Mt. Vernon District Improvement Association invites everyone to join us for the February Family Films every Thursday in February at 6p in the Pythian Theater 867 Mt. Vernon Avenue. Admission is Free!

February Family Films will focus on books that have become movies. The series embraces, reviews and acknowledges the power of literature that has influenced the power of films on cultural and social patterns of our society. Each film will have dialogue led by community facilitators that will provide expertise in their field either by knowledge or interest.

This year’s February Family Films will feature: Imitation of Life on February 2nd facilitated by Retired Educator, Community Volunteer & Champion for Children, Catherine Willis; The Great Debaters on February 9th facilitated by Publisher and Editor of African American News Journal, Ray Miller; The Blindside on February 16th facilitated by Democratic Congressional Candidate 3rd District, US Congress Joyce Beatty, and The Help February 25^th at 2p, facilitated by President of Columbus Chapter NBMBAA, Buffie Patterson.

In addition, there will be a Children’s Matinee of Peace Tree on February 9th at 10a and We Shall Overcome on February 16th at 10a. For more information, please contact us at 614.645.5464 or visit www.thekingartscomplex.com.

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by Mette Bach

I am sitting in my doctor’s office, reading Time Magazine, nodding along to their cover story on global protests. The person of the year is not a single person but a type of person: the protester. I like this article very much. So much that I don’t notice how quickly time passes. The doctor surprises me when she opens the door and rushes in. It’s a busy day at the clinic. She emanates it.

“How can I help?” she asks.

“Just a prescription refill.”

She is not the doctor I normally see. The doctor I normally see is someone my friends and I affectionately refer to as ‘the dyke doctor.’ We don’t know if she is a dyke, but we can all agree that we hope she is. She is thorough and smart, funny and practical. She has warm hands and a gentle smile and she isn’t judgmental about anything. We know. We compare notes. She has treated us for all kinds of things that we wouldn’t even bring up to other doctors.

Her colleague, the woman sitting in front of me, is obviously stressed by the amount of clients in the waiting room. The dyke doctor isn’t around today. I secretly hope she’s on a motorcycle trip with her amazing girlfriend. They are camping and loving life. I imagine she’s getting some well-deserved rejuvenation and she’ll come back fresh and eager to solve all our problems.

I’m ready to accept the simple prescription refill and get on my way when the other doctor flips through my file.

“You haven’t had a physical in a while,” she says.

“Yeah, I know. I’ve been busy.”

“I don’t like giving you this prescription without checking you.”

“Oh,” I say. “You seem kind of busy today.”

Her body language loosens up. She gestures at the waiting room. “Oh, that,” she says, “That’s a constant. They can wait. Let’s check you out.”

I’m impressed with the level of care at this clinic. Most places scoot patients out the door as fast as they can; at least that’s my experience. I hop up on the examination table and undo my shirt. The doctor runs her fingers down the sides of my throat. Her fingers are cold but I don’t mind. She asks me to take off my bra and I comply. She fondles my breasts. I am amazed by just how clinical the experience is. Not that it shouldn’t be clinical – it’s an examination, not a date. But still.

She feels around my chest area and reaches beneath my armpit. Fondle, fondle, pause. Undecipherable inquisitive look. Fondle, fondle, pause.

“Hmmm,” she says, “What’s this?”

She is referring to a part of my body that I am uncomfortable with, a fleshy mound beneath my right armpit.

“Oh, that,” I say, “I’ve always had that.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

Suddenly, I am twelve. The mound beneath my arm is larger than the mounds I have in the front. I pay close attention to this every time I step out of the shower. I don’t talk about it.

On a Saturday night, I go to a slumber party at Chrissy’s. It’s a big deal just to get invited and I bring my best nightie. All the Grade Seven girls want to know: if you could have plastic surgery on some part of yourself, what part would you change. I say my armpit. The girls don’t believe me, eat marshmallows, tell me to be serious or I won’t be invited again.

I don’t show them my armpit, don’t want to give them evidence for what I know to be true: that I am ugly, that God gave me this flaw to punish me. I am grateful the other girls don’t believe me; that they think I couldn’t possibly be serious when we all know that the right answer to the question is to say you’d get plastic surgery on your nose. Or liposuction. We all think we are fat.

The doctor’s silence fills me with tension. She tells me she wants me to get a scan. I insist that I have always looked this way. This blob, however strange it might be to her, has always been there.

“In that case,” she says, “Let’s get you scanned so we can identify it for what it probably is – a third breast – and then we can decide on the proper course of action.”

“Sorry. What? Third breast?”

“Most likely.”

I am filled with serenity. It has been 23 years since the slumber party, which means it has been 23 years since I have talked about this part of my body. I am relieved to have a name for it. I feel complete, like the pieces of my puzzle fit together.

“So, what do you mean by deciding on a course of action? What kind of action?”

“Oh, you know, surgery or whatever you want.”

“Surgery? Why? Is it dangerous to have a third breast?”

“No, it’s just…” she doesn’t finish the thought. I have to pressure her.

“It’s just… what?”

“It’s just that most people would probably elect to have it removed.”

“Why?”

“Oh, well, just…” her brain is scanning for the right way to say it, “It looks weird.”

“Oh,” I say. “I see.”

We don’t say anything to each other after that. She writes my prescription down and gives me a note to see a specialist.

As I walk home, I think to myself that most former incarnations of myself – my 12-year-old self, my teenaged self, myself in my 20s – would have loved to have a doctor validate what I already believed: that there is something wrong with me. I would have loved an excuse to take a knife to my flaws.

Next time the dyke doctor goes on vacation, I’ll be sure to stock up on my prescriptions ahead of time.

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