It’s that time of year again. No, not the influx of ‘straight’ guys in OSU t-shirts ending up at Axis, but the return of the wildly successful Condom Couture fashion show on Thursday October 7th. The lovely folks at Planned Parenthood of Central Ohio organize this awesome event, and I am looking forward to seeing some ‘rubber’ wear.

In 2008, a study was released stating that one in four teenage girls have a sexually transmitted infection (STI). This disturbing statistic motivated Planned Parenthood of Central Ohio Board President Lonni Thompson to figure out a way to share this information to the masses. Thus, in 2008, the PPCO Condom Couture Fashion Show was born. After the previous two years of wonderful talent, and a fab event, the excitement about this show is quite major.

The students at CCAD usually receive an email at the beginning of the semester about the event. If they choose to participate, they must begin the exciting process of creating a garment out of hundreds of latex condoms. Many of the garments are quite chic and the condoms look like rusched fabric instead of ‘johnson jackets.’ The show is a chance for many of the fashion students to present a finished garment to the public for the first time, and gives the students an opportunity to be part of a runway presentation. The first place winner of the show wins $1000 cash, with second and third place each winning $500.

Last year, we saw clothes made from a plethora of colors, and accented with silk and tulle. I saw ballerina inspired cocktail dresses, cute separates, and a brightly colored men’s suit that you could see from a mile away. Each contestant managed to not only make a dress or outfit, but also tried to include their personal voice, which was evident in the variety of looks. Many of the designers used the ring at the base of the condom as a design element, and the ring created beautiful patterning in the dresses, and a great texture. Another thing I loved was the open condom, which when not filled with a penis, sort of looked like a feather. When you use several hundred of those together, it looks like a fetishized version of Yves Saint Laurent.

A panel in the vein of Project Runway judges the clothes. In fact, Kelli Martin, a former contestant of Project Runway, and Columbus resident will be a judge. Her shop, Black Market, which used to be a few doors down from Jack and Benny’s at High and Hudson, was a destination for well-curated vintage. Other judges include Don’te Young, one of the co-founders of Columbus Fashion Week, and Nathalia Hudina, fashion editor of 614 Magazine. Hopefully one of the judges will get Heidi Klum-like and talk like Minnie Mouse. Was Minnie Mouse German?

Thursday October 7, 2010 is the night of the exclusive show at BoMA. When I say exclusive, I mean it! These fucking tickets go fast! For those hoping to attend, the event has options for viewing the show at many levels. At $45, you can purchase a standing room ticket, and enjoy the cash bar and snacks from the balcony level. A Silver ticket ($125) gets you entry to the open bar and hors d’ oeuvres, and seating in the first floor bar area. The Gold ticket ($350) and Platinum ticket ($500) are pretty swank with an invite to the patron reception, a reservation at the fashion show, and listing in the event invite and program. With the Platinum option, you receive table service for your drinks and hors d’ oeuvres, and premiere seating around the runway. Also, the Platinum ticket gets you VIP parking. This option is very Anna Wintour.

There is a message to this shindig, which is ‘prevention.’ It’s so easy to prevent STIs. Obviously, safe sex practices are the best method. Use a condom. It’s pretty simple. Besides, condoms also help prevent babies, which is something I’d like to not get infected with. I’d wear 5 condoms if it meant never having to be woken up to the sound of a crying kid. Lucky for me, two boys do not make a baby, and I am sure my husband does not have a uterus. He had better not have a uterus.

Get your tickets through the PPCO Condom Couture website: www.condom-couture.com. You will be helping Planned Parenthood help our community fight the good fight. Plus, it will be fun! The host of the event is Andrea Cambern, who we all adore. Also, the lady herself, Miz Nina West will be werqin’ it for the show. Definitely a plus! Don’t be jealous of her boogie.

Condom Couture will be held Thursday October 7 starting at 6p. at BoMA, 583 E Broad Street. Check out www.condom-couture.com and www.barofmodernart.com for more details and to purchase tickets.

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Even if you don’t like baseball, you’ve probably seen video of a manager vociferously arguing a call with an umpire. The manager might throw his cap. He might throw a base. He might throw out his back throwing a base.

Brent Bowers, skipper of a minor league team, performed an unusual physical maneuver and delivered a scalding tirade during a confrontation with openly gay umpire Billy Van Raaphorst. Bowers now has a place in baseball history, but it will only get him into the Hall of Shame.

On July 31, Bowers’ Edmonton Capitals played the Orange County Flyers in Fullerton, CA. Van Raaphorst, of Irvine, CA was the crew chief. In the first inning, another umpire called a close play at first base. Bowers and some of his players pointedly objected to the call. Van Raaphorst warned them. When Bowers and two players continued beefing, Van Raaphorst ejected them; the second day in a row he’d tossed Bowers in the first inning.

Bowers promptly benched his brain.

Outsports.com obtained the official report Van Raaphorst gave to the Golden Baseball League in which the umpire provided his account of what happened next. Bowers ran over to him and screamed, “You know what I heard? I heard you are a fucking faggot . . . So what do you do you fucking faggot? Do you take it up the fucking ass you faggot?”

Bowers bent over and grabbed his ankles, apparently fearful the umpire hadn’t understood his words and a visual aid was in order.

This leader of men screamed into Van Raaphorst’s face, “What’s the matter, did your fucking boyfriend fucking cum on your face today, is that how you like it you fucking faggot?”

It was a fine, family-friendly day at the ballpark.

Bowers threatened, “I ought to kick your ass you faggot.” The plate umpire came over and Van Raaphorst walked away. Bowers screamed at the plate umpire, “I know he is a faggot, I was told by [two prominent people in the league] that he is a fucking faggot. I know he is a faggot!”

Whew. Van Raaphorst, who stands 6’4″, did well not to knock him into the hotdog stand.

There are several possibilities here. The first is clear: This manager can’t manage his anger. As to the second and third possibilities, his rant was so extreme and so primal, Bowers either is a poster child for the testosterone-soaked ethos of pro sports, or he’s gay.

My bet is the former. The very idea of the latter probably makes him want to throw bats out of the dugout, preferably with me in the way.

The Golden Baseball League responded to the homophobic tirade by suspending Bowers for two games. Yup, a whole two games. That decision was the foulest of foul balls.

Fortunately, Van Raaphorst’s fellow umps were incensed over this slap on the wrist, and threatened to walk off the job. The league then suspended Bowers for the rest of the season. Bowers, who admitted to the tongue-lashing, resigned.

The guy without a job said he regrets what he did. “I’ve grown up more in three days than ever before,” said Bowers. That still makes him only about 14.

The league president said, due to this incident, all 10 teams would be required to go through diversity training. Now that is a grand slam.

Kudos goes to Billy Van Raaphorst, who managed to endure an appalling situation. I don’t know if there’s a blessing for baseball umpires, so I’ll make one up: May your calls be accurate, may your temper be slow, and may a line drive never land in your teeth.

Leslie Robinson lives in Seattle. E-mail her at lesarobinson@gmail.com, and read other columns at www.generalgayety.com.

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I never wanted to be a fashionista, and I am not a fashion victim. I like to view myself as an appreciator of style. Style is a vague concept to most, including me sometimes, but I like to draw upon some famous definitions of style for some help: from fellow homo Yves Saint Laurent, “Fashions fade, style is eternal,” and from fellow homo Tom Ford, “When you come down to it, style without substance isn’t worth anything.” Style, to me, is truly two concepts: sustainability and eternal.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love to “window shop” to see what new items come out each season and then reflect about the reality of owning these items for myself. I am a “Ruben-esque” guy, so finding fashion that is age and weight appropriate can be challenging. And, there is no “gay” fashion that looks reasonably decent on me. Most new homo couture that comes out is not probable for me (and most), or is too “young” for me. Here are some examples of the “not probable”: the Von Dutch/Ed Hardy trend – trucker hats and over embellished denim. This trend was so not me. Most boys should not have a bedazzled ass and the trucker hat was just too country for me. The sad part is that it took years for the trucker hat trend to leave Columbus! For the ladies, it was the Abercrombie & Fitch, American Eagle, or Aeropostale young teenage boy jock look. Most of the ladies I see wearing these clothes are 1) not young and 2) are buying the wrong sizes. Ladies: seek a gay friend to help you, if you wish to sport this look, and stop wearing the teenage boy look if you are over 40. It is not becoming, and it makes you look older.

Lycra is another fashion item that tends not to be wearable by all (and me). Dress shirt and suit designers have been adding Lycra into their designs for the last seven years, which have been eaten up by the homos. I mean, gays love Lycra (go back to the 70’s and you’ll get it), but if your waist is pushing over a 34” then Lycra is not your friend, unless you wear Man Spanx. Shorts are often up for debate, too. Lately, I have been seeing the cut-off at the knee look. This is a modest and affordable look for both homo boys and girls, and it is a “green” look because you are recycling old pants. However, I have been seeing a lot of the 70’s boy short roaming around our city and it isn’t pretty, especially on the super hairy homos. The boy short is often too short for most and is not made to wear in public (unless you are at the Y in 1974), and the boy bush peeking out of the boy short should not be shared while I am having a cocktail at my local homo tavern – share your “boy Brillo” only with your fellow, not the entire restaurant.

Speaking of boy bush, underwear is always an amazing fashion item for me. I mean for most folks, underwear is not a fashion statement. Most people purchase basic undergarments at mass retailers, and do not spend more than $20.00 per package of three. In the gay universe, this is a travesty. We have to have over-embellished, hyper-designed underwear that will cost you a mortgage payment. I have seen men’s’ briefs for $70-$100 per pair. Crazy? If you stand back and think about it, what does underwear do for us? It protects our “bits” from our clothes, and our clothes from our “bits.” Do I really need to spend $70+ dollars for that? My favorite new gay underwear trend is the “ass-less” briefs. The image of my fat ass in a pair of those had me laughing hysterically. Since gay boys are obsessed with their butts, what a perfect design – “ass-less.” You don’t even have to pull your briefs down to poop! Easy stuff?

Style is not dictated by what you wear, only by how you wear it. If you examine those we label as “stylish,” you will notice a theme. The clothes and the “look” that they are wearing are both sustainable and timeless. Stylish folk are not ultra trendy and do not have many expiring fashion items. I label my personal style as relaxed and classic. I do not wear a lot of clingy fabrics or a bright color because I feel my body type is not conducive to this (and I do not want to be a topic of conversation while I am out). My tip to you is to think before you buy trendy items or items that have a short shelf life – invest in quality items that are timeless and invest in fits that flatter your body. As for that “ass-less” underwear, only purchase those if you are truly a seasoned slut – booty love will be easier. Remember to never be a fashion victim, and always be a fashion survivor.

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Art Saving Lives

Art for Life organizer Joel Diaz is out to make this year’s September 25^th event “a true celebration of our lives.” He’d like to save a few of those lives, too.

Diaz, 29, is a driving force behind the all-volunteer-led art auction and fundraiser, benefitting the Columbus AIDS Task Force (CATF). As CATF board president-elect, Diaz thinks the September 25 mega-event – at Ohio State’s Sullivant Hall – is the perfect opportunity to let the LGBT community know that “AIDS is still a critical issue in our community, and CATF is more relevant than ever.” Other community leaders seem to agree. The Ohio State University’s president, E. Gordon Gee, has signed on as honorary chair, and a range of LGBT community leaders and allies are serving as event co-chairs and patrons. “President Gee has been incredible,” said Diaz. “He immediately agreed to be our honorary chair, and he even hosted a reception for our leaders and sponsors at his home.”

Since the first Art for Life in 1989 – housed in the Battleship Building just south of the North Market – Art for Life has been a rallying point for the fight against HIV and AIDS. Diaz’ biggest concern, however, is that members of Central Ohio’s LGBT community no longer think HIV/AIDS is a critical issue, and many “no longer think CATF is a relevant institution in our community.” Nothing could be further from the truth, says Peggy Anderson, the agency’s CEO.

Close to 70 percent of the task force’s case management clients are gay, and of the people tested for HIV through CATF, over 90 percent of those testing positive were men who have sex with men (MSM). “I think a lot of people in the gay community would be surprised to know those statistics,” said Anderson. “There’s something of a myth out there that gay men aren’t as affected by HIV as they once were.” The truth is, HIV/AIDS has expanded into other communities, such as women and people of color, but here in central Ohio, the majority of cases are still in the LGBT community.

Anderson pointed out that over 40 percent of those gay men testing positive were in the 19-24 age range – a fact that Diaz says makes the prevention and care work of CATF all the more important. “Young people in our community don’t think AIDS affects them, and they take too many risks,” he said. “It is our responsibility to educate them and prevent more people from getting sick.”

At the same time, the Columbus AIDS Task Force has faced a number of financial challenges, according to Anderson. Because of the state’s fiscal shortfall, Anderson said she believes at least $800,000 will be cut from the Department of Health’s prevention budget. In addition, federal funding cuts have resulted in a substantial loss of funds for the Ohio Drug Assistance Program (ODAP), which provides free and low-cost medications for HIV patients who are uninsured or can’t afford them. And, largely due to high unemployment, the number of people who are coming to agencies like CATF for these services is on the rise.

Both Anderson and Diaz said that CATF is continuing to retrench and be fiscally responsible. As a case in point, Anderson said that by the end of August, CATF would move from its East Long Street building to new offices at 4400 North High Street. “We have a six-year lease in which we will realize very large cost savings.” Anderson also said that the agency “has no plans” to reduce prevention or other staff – assuming no drastic increase in funding cuts beyond what is currently anticipated. “We made budget this year, and we hope we can get to the point where we can have enough of a reserve to withstand the cycles of budget cuts without reducing services.”

All of this, said Diaz, is why Art for Life is more important than ever. “We’re in the business of saving lives.”

Organizers hope to raise $500,000 from the event. Even more important, in Diaz’ eyes, is the opportunity Art for Life presents “to reconnect with our community, with people who have supported us over the years.” As in years past, area businesses have stepped up and donated their goods and services to help the event’s bottom line, Diaz said. “Barcelona Restaurant is again donating the food, which is wonderful, Grange Insurance is doing all of our printing, and some 18 other businesses have come together to support this event.”

Of course, said Diaz, it is the artists who truly make Art for Life a success. “The incredible thing about this event is the willingness of the artists to donate their work. Especially in this economy, it’s a real sacrifice for artists to do this.” Artwork from more than 175 artists will be represented in the juried show. Thirty pieces will be selected for the live auction – an exclusive event for about 125 patrons and donors. Other works will be for sale in the silent auction, in which all attendees can participate. A new element this year is that all of the artwork can be viewed online prior to the event. Diaz said that photographs of the items for sale  – which run the gamut of media from paintings to sculpture to photography and multi-media – will be online around September 1. The online galleries, as well as ticket and patron sales, can be accessed at www.catf.net/artforlife.

In addition to the art auctions, the Teeny Tucker Band will provide musical entertainment. Moreover, longtime CATF supporters will want to be there for a special tribute to founding CATF Executive Director Gloria Smith, who will be traveling from Florida for the evening. “Sullivant Hall is going to be a fantastic venue,” said Diaz. “And of course, we’ll have an incredible diversity of people there – including civic leaders, arts patrons, LGBT community members, and everyone else who wants to support CATF and have a great time.”

“It truly is a celebration of life.”

Art for Life, the biennial benefit for the Columbus AIDS Task Force, will take place on Saturday evening, September 25, at OSU’s Sullivant Hall. For more information and tickets, go to www.catf.net/artforlife.

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Shakespeare once wrote, “The object of art is to give life a shape.” Arguably, this was never more true than in the case of Columbus’ premier arts district, the beloved Short North. History tells the tale of this decrepit, derelict area named not-so-fondly by Columbus police because of its location – short of The Ohio State University and north of Downtown Columbus. Yet, the district took a turn for the better and gentrification began once the artists and art galleries moved in during the 20th century. Cheap rent and lots of space made the perfect location for these cash-strapped bohemians.

Fast-forward to the early 21st century and the Short North was urban, progressive, popular, and pricey. It was, quintessentially, the place to be. Along with art galleries, numerous watering holes and restaurants lined High Street and, as loyal outlook readers know, the GLBT population moved in for the makeover. The monthly Gallery Hop brought out the locals and brought in the visitors in staggering numbers, and annual events such as High Ball, Pride and ComFest gave the area an image of gutsy, relentless fun. Shakespeare was oh-so right: art eventually gave a shape to life in the Short North.

Then, it hit: The Great Recession. The year 2008 saw an end to luxury living of all sorts for varying income classes, and priceless pieces of art were among the first to go on many lists of expenditures. The art galleries started to leave the Short North and a little color went out of our cheeks. “Going Out of Business Sale” signs permeated High Street and the air was heavy with the severity of the national economic collapse.

A diminishing of the art galleries, a halt on the production of architecturally stimulating housing facilities, a void of large music venues… what “artistic” elements are left in the Short North after the recession struck? Its inhabitants and visitors are forced to wonder, What exactly makes the Short North an “arts district?” If the district lost its art and its shine, then will it have a shape in the Columbus community?

“This is something we ask ourselves often,” said Maria Galloway, owner of PM Gallery in the Short North. “The galleries, at the core, are what make an Arts District. However, they cannot do it alone and that is where the Short North is strong. Every business has an artistic essence, from salons and restaurants that hang and sell original art to the artistic flair visible in the clothing stores and specialty retail. The events, like Gallery Hop, Art al Fresco, and High Ball, all have art at their core. The ‘feel’ of the neighborhood is essential.”

The “feel” of the neighborhood, eh? Galloway’s argument is strong, especially after taking an observational stroll down High Street. Skip the hot boys, the restaurant signs with drink specials, and the visiting suburbanites with their Cup O’ Joe in one hand and a leashed poodle in the other. Instead, take in the paintings sprawled across the sides of buildings, the details in the famous Short North arches, and the jovial nature of the faces inside the store windows. You’ll see what Galloway is talking about: there’s an underlying sense of art in every brick building and crack in the cement.

Jami Goldstein, vice-president of marketing, communications, and events for the Greater Columbus Arts Council, expanded on Galloway’s notion of the more-than-physical nature of the Short North’s artsiness. “From my experience and travels, the [arts district] is not just created through a measure of how many galleries an area has, but a combination of a number of factors that include the attitude and ambiance of the area, the willingness of businesses to work cooperatively and to display local artists work, even if they are not a gallery. Certainly this is true, to a great extent, in the Short North…restaurants, hair salons…many different kinds of businesses support local artists by displaying their work. In addition, places like Surly Girl host artsy events such as Crafty Cotillion. There are festivals, public art, and murals and concerts in Goodale Park to consider, as well,” she said.

Art, itself, has a flexible and controversial definition. Is it just a physical manifestation of someone’s creativity, or is it an indefinable, natural essence? In the case of the latter, then the recent loss of some art galleries won’t have an effect on the artsy feel of the Short North. We can chalk it up to a cyclic economic disaster, one that comes and goes in time. Goldstein said it best: “While it’s always unfortunate to lose a gallery, there is the general economic business climate to consider presently.”

So, what’s in store for the Short North? Some say that further gentrification will ruin the aura of the area. Galloway disagrees, saying that the economic recovery might usher in a new emphasis on unique restaurants over galleries. “My fear, back in the early days, was that the galleries would be replaced by chain stores and t-shirt shops going after the conventional trade. That has not happened. Instead we have seen a steady advance of the restaurants, but not chain restaurants. Almost every one is unique and owner operated, just like all the other retail and galleries in the Short North. What we may be seeing is the birth of a Restaurant Row, which is a hallmark of a major city. Time will tell, of course,” she concluded.

William Ashley is a contributing writer for outlook: columbus, as well as, our ginger in the field and #2 ginger in the great ginger take over of 2010.

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Repurposing comes natural to this month’s local celebrity since he’s been repurposing himself for years. Newport, MI native Brian Reaume made his way to Columbus ten years ago when he decided to move in with his brother in Cow Town rather than an apartment in NYC. Shocking even to himself, he liked our town so much he stayed. Thank goodness!

Brian’s a man about town(s), so I’d be surprised if you don’t know him, or of him, already. I first met Brian when we were bartenders together at Bretz in Toledo (ahhh, the good old days), so maybe some of you Mud Hens know him from there. Townies will recognize our celeb as he’s most likely served you one time or another through his tenures at Torso, The Eagle, Havana, Piece of Cake or the alley off of Pearl (j/k).

Today this sexpot is best known for his painting and repurposing. His company, Birchwater Studios resides over in Junctionview, and produces large works of art, mind provoking installations and repurposed furniture and textiles. Brian’s first show was at the old Union Station in 2005. The abstract works he showed there eventually became more solid figures and his birch tree paintings were all the rage. Since then he’s shown his work in town and beyond at such places as Lemon Grass, Hotel Salon Lily, Junctionview, C Pop Gallery (Detroit), L’Atelier Gallery (NYC), Short North Tattoo, U Café, Mod Mod, and Marcia Evans Gallery. He’s returned to Marcia Evans this month with a throwback to his abstracts in a show that he says is about “recovering from darkness while maintaining ones self.” The pieces are purposefully more muted than previous works and focus on movement. We suggest you move your butt over and see them.

You should also get over to Mindless Matter where Brian now works with Nancy in her shop peddling his repurposed wares. You know the shop. It’s the cool knick-knack furniture store in the Greystone Apartment Building in the Short North. And what makes it even cooler is that we’re just down the hall! It’s like going to Disney!

When he’s not sourcing or painting, Meow Meow (a nickname) loves to hang out with friends, take catnaps at his Lustron house in Kenmore Park and spends time with the family he’s created here. Like an episode of Queer as Folk, Brian helped his lesbian couple friends Shawna and Tracy have a son. They are all parents of beautiful Thadeus. Let’s hope they never move to Canada.

I don’t think we have to worry about that, as our celeb loves this town. Brian says that one of the best things about our capital city is that Cbus affords working artists the opportunity to show their work, get good feedback and constructive criticisms, and even sell some pieces. That being said, he wants more people to realize how affordable art is here. “In this town you can get original works of art for what you would spend for reprints at Target,” (which, aren’t we supposed to boycotting them anyway?).

So after you buy some of his art and his furniture, go on and buy our celeb a drink – make it a shot of Wild Turkey or Old Granddad. In return he’ll tell you how he’s going to use his newfound celeb status to buy the Middle East and repurpose it… or refurbish it. Either way, at this point it can’t hurt, right?

You can view Brian’s current work at Marcia Evans Gallery, 8 E Lincoln St, T-Sat 11a-5p and by appointment. Mr Reaume can be reached at birchwaterstudios.com. Mindless Matter is at 815 N High St.

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During a summer stint working at Haiku, I had made friends with some Gaysians who came in frequently for dinner. What had started as a casual waiter-patron relationship developed into something much more. We weren’t an Asian street gang, but we were close to it. There was me, Long Feng Wei, a professional kick-boxer, Mao Tse Fun, a cruise ship director, and Alistair Filibuster-Wong, a financial planner and professional organ harvester. It had been several weeks since me and my “crew” of Gaysians had been out on the town for drinks and dinner, and so we had decided to set aside a Thursday night to engage in the usual bit of epic tom-foolery. We had deliberated for hours about where to go, but we found our decision made for us when Long Feng Wei’s mother, Loreta, called and uttered the following;

“You go Ar-rington Café, huh? L word girls go there last week. I see see side-lip kissy-kissy’s watch famous resbians from Terevision. Girl fight happen – I bet girl fight happen again!”

After several minutes, I deciphered that this meant that the girls from The L Word were at The Arlington Café last week, and their sheer Vaginic energy still lingered in the air, which of course meant violence was certain to occur. Never one to miss an opportunity to see a girl fight, faster than you could say “ming-na-win, chow-pao-tao”, me and my gaysians hopped in our rickshaws, and made our way to le Café.

The Arlington Café was nestled in the larger Arlington Complex, a combination dance club, restaurant, sports bar and banquet facility. When we arrived, the charming bar manager Kasra conducted us through the large crowd, and took us directly to the VIP section, bringing us two bottles of Grey Goose and assorted mixers, and ceremoniously placing menus in our hands.

“Dis place fancy, huh?” said Long Feng as he perused the menu, stroking his long and luxurious Fu Manchu beard.

“You wan cocktail?” Asked Mao as he pulled a chopstick out of his topknot, and used it to stir the vodka he’d just poured himself.

“No thanks, girl” I said looking at my menu, “I have Quesadilla on the brain, and I won’t rest until I see a girl fight and eat some meat and cheese-filled tortilla!”

As though on cue, our waiter arrived and took our order, which was large and varied. Eggrolls, quesadillas, surf and turf, chicken cordon bleu, and a large grilled portabella mushroom.

Just as we finished ordering, the relative calm of the VIP area was disrupted.

“What we got over in dis hizzy! Whats with all the Asians in this piece? Looks like yellow fever, bitches!” said the cause of the disruption loudly. The disruption was female. She was dressed in a hot-pink mini skirt which did little to hide the fact she was obviously going ‘commando’, and was carrying a purse that looked like it had been a cigar box as recently as yesterday. Her lips had a Maria Garrison-esque quality to them, and her long, stringy blond hair was pulled back in wide piece of fabric that touched the top of her very large forehead.

As though by magic, the ubiquitous Kasra appeared. “Ma’am, this area is for VIP’s only,“ said Kasra, kindly but firmly.

“But I am VIP, bitch!” screamed the disruption, as she reached into her purse.

Kasra winced for a moment, obviously concerned that the woman might have a gun. She did not.

“I got green!” she said, as she pulled a large wad of cash out of her purse, and threw it into the air screaming “I’m makin’ it rain, I’m makin’ it rain!”

Kasra, chivalrous as ever, bent over and began to pick up the money the disruption had thrown into the air. As he picked up the money, he looked confused. He held one of the bills up in the subdued lighting and frowned.

“Ma’am, with all due respect, The Arlington Complex only accepts American currency – these are moldy and say ‘Confederate States of America’. Do you have anything else with which you might pay? Something preferably not from a defunct state, or over 50 years old?”

The disruption looked at Kasra as though he’d just eaten a baby. “We gonna have trouble?” she said menacingly, reaching into her purse again. Before she could dig much deeper into her cigar-box bag, Kasra spoke.

“Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” Kasra motioned to the bouncers at the door, who walked over, picked her up, and carried her toward the door. The disruption did not go quietly, but go she did.

“I’ll be back bitches, and imma gonna get into that VIP!”

With the disruption gone, and order restored to the Café, our food arrived.

I took the quesadillas, which were filled with steak, peppers, and gooey cheese. The tortilla was perfectly browned and each bite filled my mouth with hot, savory goodness.

Long Feng took the surf and turf, which was made up of large, perfectly cooked steak medallions and huge shrimp covered in a buttery sauce. This was nestled on a bed of garlic-mashed potatoes and grilled asparagus spears. Long Feng’s chopsticks worked quickly as he shoveled bite after bite into his tiny mouth, barely stopping to breathe.

Alistair winced as he bit into his large, plump pork eggrolls, burning his mouth slightly, but not stopping for an instant. “Dis dericious,” said the Hong Kong fuey master, as he juggled the eggrolls and snatched them from out of the air with his mouth.

“This cordon bleu so good, I could commit seppeku and be happy!” said Mao Tse Fun as he used his chopsticks to tear open the chicken breast, revealing cheese and a large piece of what looked to be very good quality ham.

Just as I bit into the large and juicy portabella, there was a loud noise from the front of the bar. Glancing around the corner, I saw the familiar sight of a pink mini skirt. The disruption had returned, but this time with a bullhorn in one hand, and a large group of very angry looking men in Civil War era military uniforms. They had rifles, bayonets, and something that looked like a t-shirt cannon mounted on wheels.

“Civil War re-enactment participants” said the disruption into the bullhorn. “Today, this establishment refused the true currency of the Republic. Let’s show these bitches that the south will rise again! Charge!”

It was a hurly-burly of hands and feet, as the Civil War re-enactment people engaged anyone and everyone they could. Alistair punched a man dressed like General Lee in the mouth.

In the middle of all of this, the disruption walked into the VIP section.

“Harvey Wallbanger, please” she said to the confused Kasra. She handed him a toaster-sized Chinese stone coin with a hole in the middle.

The man paused for a moment, and then shrugging dejectedly, Kasra accepted the coin, and motioned to a bartender. The disruption, for the first time, smiled. Looking at her, I had only one thing on my mind. I wanted to be with that moxy-filled nutjob.

And that’s how I met my wife.

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ERA: Three States and Nothing More

To the Editor:

When you’re competing against the clock for the Grand Prize, you may not win, but at least you’re entitled to your previous winnings.

Not so with the Equal Rights Amendment. Congress gave women the nod they were due, but their blessing came with a seven-year hitch. Constitutional Equality was an all-or-nothing proposition to be achieved within seven years. Considering it took 72 years to obtain a right to vote, a time limit for all other rights was doomed to fail.

ERA was first introduced in 1923 by Alice Paul, a Republican, lawyer and courageous suffragist – who was imprisoned, tortured and force-fed to obtain the vote for women. ERA was essential to acquire all other legal, economic, social and political privileges that were customarily the birthright of men only.

“Equality of rights under the law shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any state on account of sex.”

Forty-seven years of stagnation prompted 20 courageous Pittsburgh NOW members to disrupt a Senate hearing with homemade signs demanding immediate action on ERA. Civil disobedience could have led to their arrest but ultimately freed ERA from congressional stalemate by an overwhelming majority in 1972.

ERA attracted over 450 organizations. People from all walks of life lobbied, petitioned, raced, marched, rallied, picketed and boycotted for its passage. It was favored by a majority of Americans, scoring an impressive 67 percent in a nationwide survey. Women’s groups pressed for an extension but were granted only three more years. Despite 35 states approving ERA, it fell three states short of becoming the 27^th Amendment. On June 30, 1982, the campaign launched by Congress was ended by Congress.

Does a human’s right to equality expire?

My friend’s husband told me he supports ERA as long as he doesn’t lose his “perks.” ERA doesn’t apply to the private lives of individuals or business. ERA would eliminate sex discriminatory laws while expanding beneficial laws to both sexes equally. It guarantees that the full range of opportunities exist for all individuals based on their talents, capabilities and preferences, and not limited by gender or stereotype. ERA would ensure that sex discrimination is guaranteed the same protection as race discrimination. It expands individual freedom by limiting government interference.

Will women earn equal pay for equal work? Will public policies provide greater flexibility for parents struggling to balance work and family? Will government be held accountable to eliminate sex-based hate crimes such as rape and domestic violence? At what point will the FCC & FTC determine that violent, hate-filled images and lyrics directed at women and girls crosses the line of entertainment and free speech to jeopardize peace and security? ERA is the foundation to begin to address these questions.

In exile for 27 years, ERA is finally making a comeback. Congress needs to listen. Citizens did not abandon ERA in 1982 – you suspended our campaign. In case you’re unaware, women are working 24/7 both inside and outside the home. We are making daily sacrifices for our country, our families, our education, our careers, and our communities. We simply don’t have the freedom to organize in our own interests. We’re too busy caring for everyone else’s.

In 2009, Illinois, Arkansas, Missouri, Florida and Louisiana reintroduced the federal ERA. All five attempts were defeated. How can a handful of legislators control the interests of 157 million women? Behind closed doors with no media attention.

Article 5 of the Constitution grants Congress the power to amend the ratification process. Will Congress hit the reset button on ERA and require all 38 states again or use its powers to jump start the ratification process for the final three states needed?

With an economy struggling to get back on track – beginning a nationwide ERA campaign requiring 38 states is both unrealistic and unnecessary. Give women a head start and a fighting chance by accepting the 35 states that have already approved ERA and allow us to target the three last states necessary to take that victory lap in 2015. Ready. Get Set. Game On!

Sincerely,

Carolyn Cook
Founder of United For Equality, LLC and the DC representative for the ERA Campaign Network

Copyright (C) 2010 by American Forum.

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No matter what pocket, branch or contingent of queerness we belong to, there is one thing all queer folks have in common: our dating pools are small. Since most of us are also on social networking sites, chances are we have access to most of our dating pool at our fingertips. Sure, maybe the mysterious ones are lurking in the corners as friends-of-friends but, chances are, they’re somewhere in cyberspace, a mere click or two away.

I guess that’s why I relished having my mystery crush, a woman I knew for a while in a time before Facebook. I knew her name and I knew her mom and all sorts of wonderful stuff about her. We flirted and got along splendidly. Okay, I confess: I was her barista. I didn’t know her all that well and we didn’t hang out. It’s just that she would linger and chat each time she ordered her hazelnut latte and I took that to mean we had a deep spiritual connection. Then, one day, she came in and announced that she was moving away. We sat down together – yes, I took my break right then and there – and she told me about her drive for adventure and her yearning for something larger than the world she had created here. If I could have ridden off into the sunset with her, I would have. But instead, fifteen minutes later, I put my apron back on, we hugged each other goodbye, she kissed my cheek and that was that.

I pined for her for years, wondering what had become of her, where she had ended up. None of my friends knew her, which only added to her mythic appeal. No matter what relationship crisis I was going through, I could always comfort myself by thinking about the one that got away and how, one day, maybe we’d see each other again at the Grand Canyon or in Paris or the Great Wall of China.

Instead, fate took a different turn… a mere eight years after that rainy afternoon that she walked out of the coffee shop.

One of my five gazillion Facebook “friends” who I barely know said something in her status about how wonderful her exes are and how much she loves them. It just so happens that I’d had a curious thought the day before. I thought about that very Facebook friend who I barely know and I wondered whom she had dated. Why did I wonder? I don’t know. I can’t control my curiosity; perhaps it was fate.

Since I don’t have to control any curiosity on Facebook, I was able to read all of the comments beneath this status update from the various exes sending their regards. That’s when I stumbled upon a familiar name. What was that doing there? One nanosecond later, I was face to face with a digital image of the dream lover who got away. I actually stepped back from the computer. Too weird. Too soon. This wasn’t the Grand Canyon and I wasn’t even showered or anything.

I ran off and fixed my hair, and told myself there must be some mistake that those two people couldn’t possibly have been in a relationship. Considering I barely know either of them, it’s weird that I felt entitled to have an opinion about this but there I was. Click, click. And it turns out she had not adjusted her privacy settings so I could see all of her many, many photos. Yep, that was her alright – making out with a girl in Mexico, then with another girl at a club in L.A. and another girl on a ranch somewhere in Montana. There were close-ups of her tattoos and even a few wedding photos. She had changed her hair. She had followed her artistic ambitions and become a sculptor. She had had an opening at a gallery. It appeared she also had a bit of a drinking problem and she smoked and I didn’t really care for the way she dominated all of the posed photos, trying a bit too hard to look tough and cool.

In fact, the most remarkable part of this reunion was that as soon as I finished scrolling through her many, many photo albums, I was over her. I know this seems a bit unfair. I gave her no opportunity to show me her real self. Not only had we not had a real conversation, I hadn’t even added her as a friend. This was completely a one-sided relationship and she did not even know it had taken place.

As fate would have it, my ex-dream-lover came to town a couple of weeks later to see her real-life ex. At least, this is what I understood when I ran into them at Pride and casually said hello. It felt like some kind of horrifying scene right out of Gossip Girl – that I knew so much and so little. I wondered if this was what stalking was like. I creeped myself out a bit, actually. Not for being curious. Not even for following through with my curiosity, but for having an eight-year unrequited crush followed by a ten-minute non-relationship. As I walked home from the Pride party, I reminded myself that it could have been a lot worse: it could have been a real relationship. Thank God for Facebook.

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THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 2
Unlike The Time You Had Too Much Freak
Nightmare at Shadowbox @ Shadowbox Cabaret, Easton Towne Center, 614.416.7625, www.shadowboxcabaret.com: Yup, it’s Halloween season again. So while the malls are putting up Christmas decorations, Shadowbox is still going to make you wait in anticipation for the Santa Babies. Through November 13. 7:30p; $30.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 3
Men In Form-Fitting Pants!
WaterFire @ Genoa Park, www.waterfirecolumbus.com: Aw damn, it’s an Arts event. Performance by BalletMet on the riverfront for this week’s WaterFire. And just because it’s a festival and there’s fire doesn’t mean this is a book burning. 7:30p; free.

This Movie Is About what I’d Do On a Friday Night Anyway

OUTTakes: Is It Just Me? (2010) @ Gateway Film Center, 1550 N High, www.gatewayfilmcenter.com: Join Stonewall and the Gateway for the next film in the OUTTakes series. This one’s about Internet dating for gays, and the hilarity that ensues after chatting with someone under your roommate’s profile. I wish I could say this is a documentary about me. Sep 2 & 3; $5.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 4
Not So Merrily Anymore
Merrily We Roll Along @ Studio One, Riffe Center, 77 S High, www.avltheatre.com: A deft revival of the 1994 version of Sondheim’s 1981 musical, adapted from the 1934 play. Available Light closes their show tonight, so get your hands on this commodity while you can. 8p; pay-what-you-want.

Labor? I Hardly Know Her!
Labor of Love Volleyball Tournament @ Buckeye Volleyball Center, 6810 Oak Creek Dr, www.laborofloveclassic.com: 34 teams converge on the volleyball center for this GLBT sporting event. Support your favorite team at the tourney, or just hang out with them at bars (sounds like NAGAAA week all over again). Opening party Saturday night at Trafik. Tournament held Saturday and Sunday. 8a – 6p; free.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 5
Instead of Alcohol and Fundraising, Ice Cream and Fundraising
Equality Ohio and Bakery Gingham’s Ice Cream Social @ Bakery Gingham, 189 Thurman & 647 N High, www.bakerygingham.com: Get some ice cream at either Gingham location. Use your coupon from www.equalityohio.org or get one in the store and Bakery Gingham will donate a dollar to Equality Ohio. All day; going rate for ice cream.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 6
One Last Hurrah For Arts Festivals
Upper Arlington Labor Day Arts Festival @ Northam Park, 2070 Northam Rd, www.uaoh.net/artsfestival: Enjoy a temporary al fresco arts space and the last arts festival of the season. Granted, a new season begins in a couple weeks with it’s own festivals. Live music and poetry. 10a – 5p; free.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 8
Wine Is My Favorite Kind Of Holistic Health
Network Columbus @ Signature Wines, 3816 April Lane, www.networkcolumbus.com: Enjoy a wine tasting while hearing Kim Kalfas speak about holistic health. And networking is soothing for the soul. 6p; free.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 9
I Wonder If There’s Paint-Play Involved
Shared Spaces @ Canzani Center Gallery, 60 Cleveland Ave, www.ccad.edu: Visit the opening reception for Shared Spaces, an exhibit of work by the CCAD faculty and visiting artists. Mingle with the faculty and enjoy free refreshments. 5p – 7p; free.

Sadly Not The Knight Bus
YPC Historic Bus Tour @ Columbus Historical Society, 51 Jefferson Ave, www.ypcolumbus.org: The Young Professionals of Columbus are going on a two-hour twilight bus tour of Columbus. Rediscover the history of our great city while networking. 5p; $11.75 (members), $17.50 (non-members).

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 10
More Lesbians Than You Can Shake A Stick At… Oh Wait
Ohio Lesbian Festival @ Frontier Ranch, www.ohiolba.org: The 21st Annual lesbian and queer womyn event, promoting womyn’s art and community. Two days of camping and performers. $60 (two days), $65 (three days).

Things That Go Up
Pride Night at King’s Island @ King’s Island, Mason OH, www.visitkingsisland.com: Feel free to wear an LGBT themed hat, then lose it on the coaster. It’s so easy to cruise when you have a view of the whole park (even if only for half a second). 6p; $40 adv, $45 gate.

Same Idea as Bar to Bedroom
Field to Table Dinner @ Franklin Park Conservatory, 1777 E Broad St, 614.645.8733, www.fpconservatory.org: Enjoy cocktails and appetizers before a stroll through the park to a candlelit meal. A dining experience like no other restaurant can provide! 6p; $300.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 11
‘Landscaping’ – A Clever Pun on the Word ‘Manscaping’
Best of Fall Home Show @ Ohio Expo Center, 717 East 17th Avenue, 888.OHO.EXPO, www.ohioexpocenter.com: This season’s festival of home improvement, décor and landscaping takes place September 10 – 12. The experts here offer creative solutions for any lawn-related disaster; so don’t be afraid to trim that bush into something beautiful. 10a-8p; $5.

Fight Bad Vampire Movies
Cleveland Garlic Festival @ Shaker Square, Cleveland, 216.751.7656: Spend a weekend eating garlic. Don’t plan on kissing anybody, but know that it’s completely worth the abstinence. Live music for the weekend includes jazz, 60’s surf music and zydeco – my favorite folk-fused Creole music form (not even kidding). 1p – 10p Sat, 12p – 8p Sun; $10.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 12
Face Full of Frosting
Geof Manthorne and Mary Alice Fallon Yeskey of Ace of Cakes @ Ohio Expo Center, 717 East 17th Avenue, 888.OHO.EXPO, www.ohioexpocenter.com: Food Network’s stars return to this year’s Fall home & garden show. They will talk about their experiences on TV and answer questions, then later judge the amateur cake-decorating contest. 11:30a, 2:30p; $5.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 13
Fritz Lang Is Not A German Drag Queen
Wex at the Gateway: Metropolis (1927) @ Gateway Film Center, 1550 N High, www.wexarts.org: The complete Metropolis, newly restored from rediscovered footage in a vault in Brazil, returns to Columbus for one week only. This restoration includes footage originally censored by the German government. Sep 10 – 16; $5-$7.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 14
Are People Locally Grown?
Tuesdays w/ “The Hot 17” @ The Treehouse, 887 Chambers Rd, www.treehousecolumbus.com: Bring in your 3-4 song playlist of local music and the house will play it! Each week also features a different local band. 8p; cover.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 15
Always More Big Fish In the Sea
Networking Tradeshow @ Brookshire, 405 Greif Parkway, www.bigfishnetworking.com: Networking, light appetizers! Show up and be automatically qualified for door prizes. The most fun you’ve ever had while networking (except at Network Columbus). 5p; free.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 16
They Won’t Let You Walk All Over Them
Pavement @ The LC, 405 Neil Ave, www.promowestlive.com: The indie rock band of Slanted and Enchanted fame puts in an appearance in the cow town. See them before they break-up again. 7p; $32.50.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 17
Good Ol’ Fashioned Dream-Come-True
Matt and Kim @ Newport Music Hall, 1722 N High, www.promowestlive.com: Columbus loves us some Matt and Kim. Probably because they’re on CD101 all of the time. They’re my favorite Vermonties. 7p; $16 adv, $20 door.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 18
The River… The River… The River’s On Fire
WaterFire @ Genoa Park, www.waterfirecolumbus.com: Final burn of the season! And it’s like a two-for (there’s also one on the night prior). The Ladies of Longford perform – we don’t mean drag-ladies, we mean LADIES. 7:30p; free.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 19
It’s Not Trespassing If You’ve Got Corporate Sponsorship
Short North Tour of Home and Gardens @ Short North, www.shortnorthcivic.org: Get a glimpse into the glamorous lives of people living in houses (that’s right – not apartments!). See their gardens, their lives! Embrace the voyeur existence. 10a – 6p; $15 – $250.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 23
Eddie George Acting – The Closest We’ll Come To Him Switching Sides
Topdog/Underdog @ The Pythian Theatre, King Arts Complex, 867 Mt. Vernon Ave, www.thekingartscomplex.com: Former OSU star and NFL great, Eddie George performs in Suzan-Lori Parks’ Pulitzer Prize-winning play. Two brothers living in a tiny compartment carry out their sibling rivalry. 7p; $40.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 24
Not For Your Inner (Or Outer) Lush
Columbus Food & Wine Affair Grand Tasting @ Franklin Park Conservatory, 1777 E Broad St, 614.645.8733, www.foodandwineaffair.com: Come down and taste from almost 400 award-winning international and domestic wines. And the Grand Tasting benefits local charities. If only drinking could be this charitable all the time. 6:30p; $125.

Remember Dressing Up In Your Mother’s Gowns?
“A Night of Different Faces” Masquerade Ball @ The Grand Valley Dale Ballroom, 1590 Sunbury Road, www.newsoulmanagement.com: Put on your happy face (aka a mask) and dance the night away. Who doesn’t love masquerades? Who is Prince Charming disguised as tonight? Is he in the Batman outfit? 9p – 2a; $15 (advance), $20 (door).

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 25
Art & Fundraising
Art for Life 2010 @ Sullivant Hall, 1813 N High St, www.catf.net: Live and silent auctions of local and national art to benefit the Columbus AIDS taskforce. Plus an after party for the socialite in us all. 6p; $75 – $125.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 26
But Only If You’re Going 88 MPH
Back to the Garden @ Shadowbox Cabaret, Easton Towne Center, 614.416.7625, www.shadowboxcabaret.com: It’s time to go back to the garden… again. For its third (or fourth?) run, the hit Shadowbox musical returns to delight your hippie memories. 7p; $30.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 27
David Sedar-esque
David Rakoff @ Columbus Performing Arts Center, 549 Franklin Ave, www.thurberhouse.org: Radio and literary personality, David Rakoff, will read in conjunction with the Thurber House. He is promoting his new collection of essays, Half Empty. 7:30p; $18.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 28
He’s Gay! Enrique is Gay!
Legally Blonde the Musical @ Palace Theatre, 34 W Broad St, www.capa.com: Elle is here on her pre-law school tour. And if we’re lucky, she’ll judge a tighty-whitey contest while she’s in town. Enjoy all of the blonde antics (which are strikingly similar to your own life). Through October 3. 8p; $22.50 – $62.50.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 29
Pink In The Geek
Jason Mraz @ The LC, 405 Neil Ave, www.promowestlive.com: Everyone’s favorite eater of raw vegan-ish foods. Oh, and he’s pretty. I mean – pretty talented. Let’s settle for both. 7p; $35 (advance), $38 (door).

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 30
Am I The Only One Who Thinks ‘Plotter’ Sounds Dirty?
Summer Quarter Exhibitions Reception @ OSU Urban Arts Space, 50 W Town St, www.uas.osu.edu: Work by Charles Csuri (the infamous plotter) and Alan Price are on display at the OSU Urban Arts Space. The contrasting exhibitions deal with environment and preserved time. 6p; free.

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